Joke collection nr. 10
 by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends.
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all."
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 11, 12, 13 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim 
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. 
"I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But 
where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda.  There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda.  "Please don't tell me..."
"I must, Brenda.  Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen,  Tim?"
 "It was terrible, Brenda.  He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and
"Oh my dear Jesus!  But you must tell me true, Tim.  Did he at
least go quickly?"
"Well, no, Brenda... no."
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each
one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and
orders three more. The bartender asks him, "You know, a pint goes
flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the day
when we drank together." The bartender admits that this is a nice
custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes
in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall
silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted 

to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his
eye and he laughs. "Oh, no," he says, "everyone's fine. I've just
quit drinking."
Two old Irishmen were holding up the bar at the local pub, 
reminiscing and drinking as they were wont to do, when one 
became quite melancholy and asked his friend, "Sean, when 
my time comes and I pass on, can ye do me a favour?"
His friend replies, "Liam, you've been my friend for nigh 
on thirty years...just ask and I'll do it for you. What 
would you like me to do?"
The first one said, "Sean, on me mantelpiece at home is an 
old, old bottle of fine Irish whiskey. When they bury me, 
would you be mindin' it if ye poured it over me grave?"
And the second one gravely replies, "Liam, you know I'll 
be honored to do as you ask, but I'm wonderin', would you 
mind if I passed it through me kidneys first?"

An Irishman named Murphy went to his
doctor after a long illness.  
The doctor,  after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Murphy 
in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you... you have the cancer
and it can't be cured.  I'd give you two weeks to a month."
Murphy shocked and saddened by the news, but of solid character, 
managed to compose himself and walk from the doctor's office into the 
waiting room.  There he saw his son who had been waiting.  
Murphy said, "Son, we Irish celebrate when things are good and we 
celebrate when things don't go so well.  In this case, things aren't so
well.  I have cancer and I've been given a short time to live. Let's
head for the pub and have a few pints."
After three or four pints, the two were feeling a little less somber. 
There were some laughs, some tears, and more beers.  They were eventually 
approached by some of Murphy's old friends who asked what the two were
Murphy told them that the Irish celebrate the good and the bad. He
went on to tell them that they were drinking to his impending end.  He told
his friends, "I've only got a few weeks to live as I have been diagnosed
with AIDS."
The friends gave Murphy their condolences and they all had a few more
After his friends left, Murphy's son leaned over and whispered in
"Dad, I thought you said that you were dying from cancer?  You just
told your friends that you were dying from AIDS?"
Murphy replied, "I am dying from cancer, son.  I just don't want any of
them sleeping with your mother after I'm gone."

This speech was given by Kurt Vonnegut at MIT's commencement last year . 
. .
 Ladies and gentlemen:  
 Wear sunscreen.
 If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be
 it. The long-term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by
 scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more
 reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this
 advice now.
 Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth. Oh, never mind. You will not
 understand the power and beauty of your youth until they've faded. But
 trust me, in 20 years, you'll look back at photos of yourself and
 recall in a way you can't grasp now how much possibility lay before
 you and how fabulous you really looked. You are not as fat as you
 Don't worry about the future. Or worry, but know that worrying is as
 effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubble
 gum.  The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never
 crossed your worried mind, the kind that blindside you at 4 pm on some 
 Do one thing every day that scares you.  
 Don't be reckless with other people's hearts. Don't put up with people
 who are reckless with yours.
 Don't waste your time on jealousy. Sometimes you're ahead, sometimes 
behind. The race is long and, in the end, it's only with
 Remember compliments you receive. Forget the insults. If you succeed in 
this, tell me how.
 Keep your old love letters. Throw away your old bank statements. 
 Don't feel guilty if you don't know what you want to do with your life.  
most interesting people I know didn't know at 22 what they
wanted to do with their lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year-olds I
know still don't.
 Get plenty of calcium. Be kind to your knees. You'll miss them when
 they're gone.
 Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe you'll have children, maybe 
won't. Maybe you'll divorce at 40, maybe you'll dance the funky chicken on
your 75th wedding anniversary. Whatever you do, don't congratulate 
too much, or berate yourself either. Your
 choices are half chance. So are everybody else's.
 Enjoy your body. Use it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or of
 what other people think of it. It's the greatest instrument you'll ever 
 Dance, even if you have nowhere to do it but your living room.  Read
 the directions, even if you don't follow them. Do not read beauty
 magazines. They will only make you feel ugly. 
 Get to know your parents. You never know when they'll be gone for
 good.  Be nice to your siblings. They're your best link to your past
 and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.
 Understand that friends come and go, but with a precious few you
 should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography and
 lifestyle, because the older you get, the more you need the people who 
you when you were young.
 Live in New York City once, but leave before it makes you hard. Live
 in Northern California once, but leave before it makes you soft. 
 Accept certain inalienable truths: Prices will rise. Politicians will
 philander. You, too, will get old. And when you do, you'll fantasize
 that when you were young, prices were reasonable, politicians were
 noble, and children respected their elders.
 Respect your elders.
 Don't expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund.
 Maybe you'll have a wealthy spouse. But you never know when either one 
run out.
 Don't mess too much with your hair or by the time you're 40 it will
 look 85.
 Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply
 it. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it is a way of fishing
 the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly
 parts and recycling it for more than it's worth.
But trust me on the sunscreen.
 Kurt Vonnegut, 6/97 

         (o)(o)         perfect breasts

         ( + )( + )     fake silicone breasts

         (*)(*)         high nipple breasts

         (@)(@)         big nipple breasts

         oo            a cups

         { O }{ O }    d cups

         (oYo)         wonder bra breasts

         ( ^ )( ^ )    cold breasts

         (o)(O)        lopsided breasts

         (Q)(O)        pierced breasts

         (p)(p)        hanging tassels breasts

         \o/\o/        Grandma's breasts

         (  -  )(  -  )        flat against the shower door breasts

        |o||o|        android breasts

         ($)($)        Jenny McCarthy's breasts

Hope nobody is offended - - it does get just about every nationality and
Happy Monday everyone :-)  

A Chinese couple is in bed. The husband says "I want 69."
His wife says "Why you want Beef and Broccoli now?"
A Polish family is sitting in the living room. The wife turns to the
husband and says "Let's send the kids out to P-L-A-Y so we can fuck.
How can you tell the Irish guy in the hospital?
He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan.
How can you tell if a girl is a redneck?
She can suck a dick and chew tobacco at the same time, and know what to
spit and what to swallow.
Why don't Italians have acne?
It slides off.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby?
They named him Sum Ting Wong
What's the best thing about a blowjob?
10 minutes of peace and quiet.
Did you hear they came out with a new Selena doll?
Ken and Barbie needed a maid.
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass?
A Mechanic.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A Speech Impediment.
What do you call a German tampon?
A Twatstika.
Definition of a nice Greek Boy....
A Greek boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast?
They're hiring.
What do toilets, clitoris, and an anniversary have in common?
Men miss them all.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek?
Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?
NONE. He fell.
Q. Did you hear Cher is joining the spice girls?
A. They're going to call her Old Spice.
Q. How do you make a cat drink?
A. Put it in a blender, and strain off the fur.
Q. Why do men like to watch porno movies backward?
A. They like the part where the hooker gives the money back.
Q. Why do women pierce their bellybutton?
A. Place to hang their air freshener.
Q. What is the first thing a blonde hears in the morning?
A. "See ya."
Q. What is the first thing a brunette hears in the morning?
A. "Sssshh. I have to call my wife."
Q. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A. The survivors were marooned.
Q: What do Jimmy Hoffa and Linda Tripp have in common?
A: Nothing... yet.
Q: What is the generic name for Viagara?
A: Mycoxaphillin
Q. What is the difference between driving in the fog and 69-ing?
A. When driving in the fog, you can't see the asshole in front of you.
i have no idea where these come from:
Jack was walking around when he noticed a ladder that went up into 
the clouds. After climbing to the first cloud he met a smelly, 
unattractive woman who said,
"Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success."
This was not a hard choice for Jack. Jack ran up the ladder.
At the next cloud he met a slightly better looking woman who said, 
"Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success."
Figuring it only gets better, Jack chose to climb the ladder further up.
At the next cloud, he met a very attractive woman who said, 
"Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success."
Since things were getting better the higher he got, Jack chose to 
climb the ladder even further. At the fourth cloud, he met the most 
gorgeous woman to ever grace the universe. She looked at him seductively and begged, 
"Have sex with me or climb the ladder to success."
Jack was extremely tempted to satisfy his urges but figuring
it could only get better, he choosed to climb the ladder at least 
one more time. At the fifth cloud, Jack was startled when a greasy, 500 
lb. naked man with a pimply penis grabbed him. Jack screamed, 
"Who are you?"
The man replied, "I'm Cess
Perpetual Motion 
A contest was held for people to submit their theories on ANY Subject.
Below are the winners: 
4th RUNNER-UP (Subject: Probability Theory)--If an infinite number of
rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an
infinite number of shotgun rounds at an infinite number of highway signs, 
they will eventually produce all the world's great literary works in Braille.
3rd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Bio-Mechanics)--Why Yawning Is Contagious: You
yawn to equalize the pressure on your eardrums. This pressure change
outside your eardrums unbalances other people's ear pressures, so they 
then yawn to even it out. 
2nd RUNNER-UP (Subject: Symbolic Logic)--Communist China is
technologically underdeveloped because they have no alphabet and 
therefore cannot use acronyms to communicate technical ideas at a faster rate.  
1st RUNNER-UP (Subject: Newtonian Mechanics)--The earth may spin
faster on its axis due to deforestation. Just as a figure skater's rate 
of spin increases when the arms are brought in close to the body, the cutting
of tall trees may cause our planet to spin dangerously fast. 
HONORABLE MENTION (Subject: Linguistics)--The quantity of consonants
in the English language is constant. If omitted in one place, they turn 
up in another. When a Bostonian "pahks his cah," the lost R's migrate
southwest, causing a Texan to "warsh" his car and invest in "erl" wells. 
GRAND PRIZE WINNER (Subject: Perpetual Motion)--When a cat is dropped,
it always lands on its feet, and when toast is dropped, it always lands
buttered side down. It was proposed to strap giant slabs of hot
buttered toast to the back of a hundred tethered cats; the two opposing 
forces will cause the cats to hover, spinning inches above the ground.  Using the
giant buttered toast/cat array, a high-speed monorail could easily link 
New York with Chicago. 
The Musician
Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an English
university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other
students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit
"And how do you find the English students, Donald?" she asked.
"Mother," he replied, "they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on 
that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the 
other side screams and screams all night."
"Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English
"Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly,
playing my bagpipes."
Answering Machine
Actual answering machine answers recorded and verified by  the world 
famous International Institute of Answering Machine Answers.
My wife and I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your
name and number, we'll get back to you as soon as we're finished.
A is for academics, B is for beer.  One of those reasons is why we're not
here.  So leave a message.
Hi.  This is John.  If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are  my parents, please send money.
If you are my financial aid institution,  you didn't lend me  enough money.
If you are my friends, you owe me money.  
If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money. 
(Narrator's voice:) There Dale sits, reading a magazine.
Suddenly the telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a veritable
maelstrom of toilet paper, with Dale in the middle of it, his arms 
windmilling at incredible speeds! Will he make it in time? Alas no, his valiant 
effort is in vain. The  bell hath sounded. Thou must leave a message.
"Hi.  Now you say something."
"Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk 
to it instead.  Wait for the beep."  "Hello. I am David's answering machine.
What are you?"
(From my Japanese friend in Toronto) He-lo!  This is Sa-to. 
If you leave message, I call you soon.  If you leave *sexy*  message, I 
call sooner!
"Hi!  John's answering machine is broken.  This is his refrigerator.  
Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your  message to myself with one of 
these magnets."
"Hello, this is Sally's microwave.  Her answering machine just eloped 
with her tape deck, so I'm stuck with taking her  calls.  Say, if you want anything
cooked while you leave your message, just hold it up to the phone." 
"Hello, you are talking to a machine.  I am capable of receiving 
messages. My owners do not need siding, windows,  or a hot tub, and their carpets are
clean.  They give to charity through their office and do not need their
picture  taken.  If you're still with me, leave your name and number  and 
they will get back to you."
"This is not an answering machine-this is a telepathic thought-recording
device.  After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, 
and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your 
"Hi. I am probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't  like.  Leave 
me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you."
"Hi, this is George.  I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now.  
Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back."
"If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons 
right now and can't come to the phone.  Otherwise, we probably aren't home and 
it's safe to leave us a message."
"You're growing tired.  Your eyelids are getting heavy.  You  feel very
sleepy now.  You are gradually losing your willpower and your ability to
resist suggestions.  When you  hear the tone you will feel helplessly
compelled to leave your name, number, and a message."
"You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System.  Your 
voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. 
Once this is done, our computers will be able  to use the sound of your voice 
for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge 
for this  initial consultation.  However our staff of professional 
extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the 
benefits of our service, and to arrange for your  schedule of
payment.  Remember to speak clearly at the sound  of the tone. Thank you.
Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain
silent.Everything you say will be recorded and will  be used by us.
Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the  phone right 
now, because we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya likes doing it up 
and down, and I like doing  it left to right...real slowly.  So leave a 
message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you...
Subject:     The ONLY funny forwarded mail you'll receive
Top ten ways to be "the funny guy" in your office.
10. Keep telling the same person that they have bad breath even if they
don't, and then punch them in the mouth.
9. Announce in a meeting that you have AIDS. After everyone gives you the
sympathy remarks...tell everyone how you're just kidding..and tell them 
that they are all a bunch of queers.
8. Before a meeting, fill your mouth with custard- then during the meeting
put one finger in the air and make like you are hocking up a big 
loogie-then spit the custard into a clear glass and hand it to the person 
next to you and say "Beat that!".
7. Inform a male coworker that he "wouldn't make a good hooker", then 
piss in his coffee and tell him he needs a good "ass fucking".
6. Always walk around with a big smile and keep one hand down the front of
your pants.
5. Answer every question asked to you with "fuck if I know!" then call the
person a racial slur that doesn't even match their race.
4. Brag about the fact that you own a gun, and keep playing with your 
Get them really sweaty, and then walk around shaking everyone's hand.
3. Run down the hall with your dick out while urinating all over and yell,
"It won't stop! God help me! It don't stop!"  Then when it stops...look 
down and say..."Oh!".
2. Ask to borrow someone's pen- bring it to the bathroom- stick it in your
butt- return it and tell the person to smell it- when they tell you that 
it smells bad- be like, "It should!  I had it in my butt!"
1. Shit on the floor in your office and when someone comes in and sees it,
tell them it's the fake plastic kind- when they try to pick it up, and 
realize that their hand is full of shit, laugh and point.

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive
goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her
ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty
swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she
hacks the hell out of the buttercups.
Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her
golfbag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't
like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to
stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become
physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then
disappears as quickly as she appeared. 
Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?" 
"It's over here in the pussy willows"  her husband responds.
The wife screams back, "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!  DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!
A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden
their horizons through sensory exploration.  With their eyes
closed, they would feel objects, from pumice stones to pine cones, and
smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.  
One day, the teacher brought in a great variety of Lifesavers candies
 "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
said the teacher.  Without much difficulty, they managed to identify
the taste of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had them
sample "Honey" Lifesavers, all of the children were stumped.
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your Mommy
probably calls your Daddy all the time."  Instantly, they were spat out, 
and the
kids yelled, "Spit 'em out, you guys!  They're assholes!"
Two engineers boarded a flight out of Calgary. One sat in the window
seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an
accountant got on and took the aisle seat next to the two engineers.
The accountant kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling
in when the engineer in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get
a coke."
"No problem," said the accountant, "I'll get it for you."
While he was gone, one of the engineers picked up the accountant's shoe
and spat in it. When he returned with the coke, the other engineer
said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."
Again, the accountant obligingly went to fetch it and while he was
gone, the other engineer picked up the other shoe and spat in it.
The Accountant returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight.
As the plane was landing, the Accountant slipped his feet into his
shoes and knew immediately what had happened. 
"How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our groups? 
This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in cokes?"

{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }