Joke collection nr. 8

by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends.
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all." 
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
Extreme Bumper Stickers

Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill.  I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch.  Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll.  Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple.  The other two, it's an amusement
EARTH FIRST!  We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park.  Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales!  Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like
Sure you can trust the government!  Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix.  Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders.  Don't re-elect them!
Nuke the Unborn Gay Whales for Christ
       The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam

1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10
shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many
drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson
for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street
value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each
trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for
his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100
for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have
to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for
the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much
money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he
likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average
letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the
gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night.
She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month
rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with
her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at
$25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how
much money will he lose by jumping bail?
A man and his wife were doing yard work.  The husband said to his 
wife,   "Gee,  honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." 
The wife ignores his remark.
 A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to 
his wife.  While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he 
measured her back side.  "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!"  
She again ignores his  remark.
 Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous.  
He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said,
"If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, 
you're out of your mind!!"
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open.
(Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die.
(Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Beauty is only a light switch away.
(Perkins Library. Duke University.  Durham, North Carolina.)
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
(Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.)
God made pot.  Man made beer.  Who do you trust?
(The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.)
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
(The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.)
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of
putting up with her shit.
(Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.)
To do is to be.-Descartes
To be is to do.-Voltaire
Do be do be do.-Frank Sinatra
(Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.)
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
(Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.)
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
(Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.)
Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married!
(Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman,  Montana.)
God is dead.-Nietzsche,
Nietzsche is dead.-God
(The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.)
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
(Revolution Books. New York, New York.)
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to
have trouble with it.
(Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.)
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested?
(Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.)
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
(Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.)
Express Lane: Five beers or less.
(Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.)
You're too good for him.
(Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills,
No wonder you always go home alone.
(Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA.)
E=MC2.  That's good Albert but next time show your work. (Bathroom wall,
Ohio State University Library)
Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells
her friends "My son is a priest.  When he walks into a room, everyone 
calls him 'Father'.
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks
into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks
into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".  
Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says "My son 
is 6'2", he's loaded with dough, broad square shoulders... terribly 
handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very
nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room...  women gasp, 'Oh, my 
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a
skating rink...
Only in people order double cheese burgers, a large fry,
and a diet coke...
Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain  the
pens to the counters...
Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the
driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to
talk to in the first place...
Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in
packages of eight...
Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the process
so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning
"blood-sucking creatures"
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long
before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and
the guy leaves.
 A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and
asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says
"about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks
"how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the
shop and says "about an hour and a half".  The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey,
Joey,  I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where
he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he
go when he left here?"
Joey goes, "To your house!"
This is from a contest on Long
Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinski
and Kaczynski in a limerick. (Kaczynski you will recall
is the Unabomber).
Entry # 1
            There once was a gal named Lewinsky
            Who played on a flute like Stravinsky
            'Twas "Hail to the Chief"
            on this flute made of beef
            that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2
            Oh to young Ms. Lewinsky
            We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski,
            Since you look such a mess,
            use the hem of your dress
            And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3
            Lewinsky and Clinton have shown
            what Kaczynski must surely have known:
            that an intern is better
            than a bomb in a letter
            given the choice of how to be blown.
 Great Female Comebacks
Man: "Haven't we met before?"
Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?
Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?"
Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Woman: "It's in the phone book."
Man: "But I don't know your name."
Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?"
Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?"
Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason"
Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy."
Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you."
Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy:
Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple."
Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you."
Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
This is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by
teachers from 8th grade through college (how scary)..
1.  Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in
hydraulics.  They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot.
The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live
2.  The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of
the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3.  Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made
unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients.
Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments.
He died before he ever reached Canada.
4  Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5.  The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we
wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female
6.  Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of
that name.
7.  Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving
people advice.  They killed him.  Socrates died from an overdose of
wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8.  In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the
biscuits, and threw the java.
9.  Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very
10.  Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul.
The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was
going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11.  Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by
playing the fiddle to them.
12.  Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by
Bernard Shaw.  Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should
be hanged twice for the same offense.
13.  In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and
verses and also wrote literature.
14.  Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an
apple while standing on his son's head.
15.  Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was
a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all
shouted "hurrah."
16.  It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention
was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure
because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.  And Sir
Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17.  The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare.
He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never
made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote
tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.
Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last
wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18.  Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote.  The next great author was John Milton. Milton
wrote Paradise Lost.  Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise
19.  During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the
Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20.  Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the
settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain
John Smith was responsible for all this.
21.  One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels
through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War
and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13
states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin,
and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of
Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats
backwards and declared,  "A horse divided against itself cannot
stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22.  Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility.  Under the constitution the people enjoyed
the right to keep bare arms.
23.  Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent.
Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which
he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by
signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865,
Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the
in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes
Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24.  Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25.  Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26.  Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and
had a large number of children.  In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the
present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so
was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English.
He was very large.
27.  Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf
he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even  when
everyone was calling for him.  Beethoven expired in 1827 and later
died for this.
28.  The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and
catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power,
but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29.  The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30.  Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63
years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was
the final event which ended her reign.
31.  The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and
inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started
reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a
network of rivers to spring up.  Cyrus McCormick invented the
McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32.  Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33.  The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck
by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask
you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers, "My child, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I
am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive." 
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." 
She responds, "Well, let's see what  we can do about that:
     1)   you have to be single and
     2)   you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm
Catholic too!" The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does and 
nun #@*#@*#@*#@*#@*#@. But when they get back on the road, the cab
driver starts crying. "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me
sister, but I have sinned.  I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm 
She said, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween
A guy goes into a restaurant to have dinner, and he is waited on by an
extremely voluptuous waitress who is wearing a rather skimpy outfit.
"What would you like?" the waitress asks.
The guy looks the menu over, looks the waitress up and down, and he
says, "I'd like a quickie."
Angered, the waitress storms off, but then she realizes that part of
her job is to deal with insensitive jerks, so she cools off and returns 
to the table.
"What would you like?" the waitress asks.
The guy looks at the menu again, looks her over again and says, "I'd
like a quickie!"
By now, the waitress has had it, so she hauls off and decks the guy,
leaving him seeing stars as she stomps away from the table.
As the guy is recovering from the blow he just received, another guy,
who had watched the entire episode from the next table over, leans
over to the guy who just got decked and says, "Hey, buddy, I think it's
pronounced 'quiche.'"
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the
window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."  
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; 
I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin' checking
account right now!"  
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language 
in this bank." 
Fuming, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank
manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems 
to be the problem here?"  
"There's no fuckin' problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million 
bucks in the fuckin' lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking
account in this fuckin' bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this fuckin' bitch is giving you a
fucking hard time?"
Confucius say
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change"
"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"
"Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Man with hand in pocket is having a ball."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."
 Both take up too much space on the bed.
 Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
 Both are threatened by their own kind.
 Both mark their territory.
 Both are bad at asking you questions.
 Neither tells you what's bothering them.
 The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
 Neither does the dishes.
 Both pass gas shamelessly.
 Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.
 Both like dominance games.
 Both are suspicious of the postman.
 Neither knows how to talk on the phone.
 Neither understands what you see in cats.
 Both jump on you when aren't in the mood to play.
 Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
 Dogs miss you when you're gone.
 Dogs feel guilt when they've done wrong.
 Dogs don't criticize your friends.
 Dogs admit when they're jealous.
 Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.
 Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they don't  laugh at
 the way you throw).
 Dogs don't feel threatened by intelligence.
 You can train a dog.
 You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
 The worst social disease you can get form a dog is rabies, but there's a
 vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.
 Dogs understand what NO means.
 Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come in the house.
 Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
 Dogs admit it when they're lost.
 Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do.
 Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
 Men only have 2 feet that track in mud.
 Men can buy you presents.
 Men don't have to play with every man they see when you go for a walk.
 Men are a little more subtle.
 Men don't eat feces on the sly.
 Dogs have dog breath all the time.
These come direct from a native of Wisconsin... and I believe that they 
are ALL true!
Ole, Lena and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota
and were becoming desperate having run out of food several
days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, and their situation
was looking very bleak.
When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an
oil lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came
The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and
I can grant each of you vun vish."
Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole."
Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says,
"Sven, vat is our vish?"
Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were
here with me".
Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked
past Ole's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale."
This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat,
so he decided to go in and ask Ole about it.
"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says
'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is
 your old John Deere tractor and combine."
Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I
just don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life
just ain't going dat vell."
The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want
you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week
and let me know how you're doing."
So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A
voice on the other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole."
The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles
every day?"
Ole says, "Yes."
The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?"
Ole replies, "Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy
miles avay from home!"
Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told
Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you
live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not
catch a thing. Ole said, "Let's go a vit furder down stream."
So they did and they caught many monstrous fish. They had
their limit so they went home. On the way home Sven said, "I
marked de spot right in de middle of de boat, Ole."
"You Stupid," said Ole, "How do you know ve vill get da same
 boat next time?"
Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone
rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da
hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up.
Lena say's "who was dat Ole?"
Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy wants ta know if da
coast is clear."
A man walks into a supermarket and buys :
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're fucking ugly"
A woman goes to a plastic surgeon to get some work done.  She says to the
surgeon, "What can you do for me?"
The surgeon says, "Well, you have bags under your eyes, I can fix those,
and you have crow's feet by your eyes.  I can tighten the skin up."
disclaimer-this is tasteless
The woman asks for a price, and the surgeon gives her one.  She says she
can afford more than that, what else can he do?
"Well," says the surgeon, "your forehead is a little wrinkly, I can pull
that tight.  Also, your jowls droop down.  I can fix that, also." 
Again, the woman asks for a price, and says that she can afford more than
the surgeon says, and asks what else he can do.
The surgeon says, "Well, for $1200, I can give you the full treatment, 
from the neck up.  You have a double chin, and I can fix that for you. Also,
your neck and throat are a little baggy. I can pull all that tight for 
And, as an extra, I will put a small screw in the back of your neck, 
under your hair.  When you start to get more wrinkles, you can come in, and I
will tighten the screw a bit, and tighten your skin right up."
The woman agrees, and has the work done.  She looks beautiful.  8 months
later, the woman calls the surgeon on the phone.
"Doctor!  I have a problem!  I have these huge bags under my eyes! I have
never had bags like this before!  I need to come in and have you fix 
The surgeon says to her, "Lady, those aren't bags, those are your boobs.
And, if you don't stop turning that screw, you're gonna have a goatee."
An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it

The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman!  Without her, man is nothing."
 A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing
  in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about 
  hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. 
  why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand
  chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
  A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut
  daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would
  always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as
  the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find
  that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together
  a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came
  in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This
  isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender,
  "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
  A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to
  eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a
  book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly
  pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of
  the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
  There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten
  different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
  Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating
  recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a
  teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
  The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
  A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth.
  The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for
  you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man
  replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made
  some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise
  sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast,
  fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's 
  the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which
  is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a
  new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To
  which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no
  plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
  An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first
  gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made
  of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy.
  The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
  The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the
  details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a
  hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had
  occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared
  that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the
  chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's
  elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the
  sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
did you hear about the drowning down by the Seine? Un, deux, trois, cats 
Where are two places in France you should never buy clothing? Toulouse 
and Toulong
Why is getting up at five a.m. like a pig's tail? It's twirly.

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