Joke collection nr. 8 by Jacob Holdt Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all politically correct) are shown in the order I received them in emails from good and really "bad" American friends. I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all."
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
Extreme Bumper Stickers
Who lit the fuse on your tampon?
Support Cannibalism-EAT ME!
God is my co-pilot, but the Devil is my bombardier.
I don't have a license to kill. I have a learner's permit.
I wasn't born a bitch. Men like you made me this way.
Keep honking while I reload.
Taxation WITH representation isn't so hot, either!
Who were the beta testers for Preparations A through G?
Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change.
5 days a week my body is a temple. The other two, it's an amusement park.
EARTH FIRST! We'll stripmine the other planets later.
Your child may be an honor student but you're still an idiot.
If you drink, don't park. Accidents cause people.
If you can read this, I can hit my brakes and sue you.
Save the whales! Trade them for valuable prizes.
Whitewater is over when the First Lady sings.
Jack Kevorkian for White House physician.
Just say no! to sex with pro-lifers.
My wife keeps complaining I never listen to her...or something like that.
Sure you can trust the government! Just ask an Indian!
Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive.
If we are what we eat; I'm cheap, fast, and easy.
Stop repeat offenders. Don't re-elect them!
Nuke the Unborn Gay Whales for Christ
_________________________________________________________
mean!
The City of Los Angeles High School Math Proficiency Exam
Name:_______________________________ Gang:___________________________
1. Johnny has an AK-47 with an 80-round clip. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8-ball to Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram. What is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for three girls. If the price is $65 for each trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can pay for his $800-per-day crack habit?
4. Jarome want to cut his 1/2 pound of heroin to make 20% more profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy, and $100 for a 4X4. If he has stolen 2 BMWs, 3 4X4s, how many Chevies will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for the hit. If his common law wife is spending $425 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of prison, and how many years is he likely to get for killing the bitch that spent his money?
7. If the average spray can covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector knocked up?
9. Thelma can cook dinner for her 16 children for $7.50 per night. She gets $234 a month welfare for each child. If her $325 per month rent goes up 15%, how many more children should she have to keep up with her expenses?
10. Salvador was arrested for dealing crack & his bail was set at $25,000. If he pays a bail bondsman 12% and returns to Mexico, how much money will he lose by jumping bail?
_________________________________________________________
A man and his wife were doing yard work. The husband said to his wife, "Gee, honey, your butt is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignores his remark.
A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand, walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to her flower bed, he measured her back side. "Honey, your butt IS as wide as the grill!" She again ignores his remark.
Later that night, while in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug her and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you're out of your mind!!"
_________________________________________________________________
The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. (Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. (Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL)
Beauty is only a light switch away. (Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.)
I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. (Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.)
God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? (The Irish Times. Washington, D.C.)
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. (The Bayou, Baton Rouge, Louisiana.)
No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit. (Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.)
To do is to be.-Descartes To be is to do.-Voltaire Do be do be do.-Frank Sinatra (Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.)
At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. (Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.)
It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. (Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.)
Make love, not war.-Hell, do both, get married! (Women's restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.)
God is dead.-Nietzsche, Nietzsche is dead.-God (The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.)
If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. (Revolution Books. New York, New York.)
A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to have trouble with it. (Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.)
JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? (Men's restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.)
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? CONGRESS! (Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.)
Express Lane: Five beers or less. (Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic's. Phoenix, AZ.)
You're too good for him. (Sign over mirror in Women's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA.)
No wonder you always go home alone. (Sign over mirror in Men's restroom, Ed Debevic's. Beverly Hills, CA.)
E=MC2. That's good Albert but next time show your work. (Bathroom wall, Ohio State University Library)
___________________________________________________________________
Four catholic ladies were having coffee...The first catholic woman tells her friends "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'.
The second catholic woman chirps, "My son is a bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people call him 'Your Grace'."
The third catholic crone says "My son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, he's called 'Your Eminence'".
Since the fourth catholic woman sips her coffee calmly, and says "My son is 6'2", he's loaded with dough,...got broad square shoulders... terribly handsome... dresses very well... tight muscular body... tight hard buns... and a very nice bulge... and whenever he walks into a room... women gasp, 'Oh, my God...'."
__________________________________________________________
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk in boxes in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "blood-sucking creatures"
_________________________________________________________________
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks "Hey, Buddy! how long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber look around the shop and says "about 2 hours," and the guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks..."how long before I can get a haircut?"
Again, the barber looks around at shop full of customers and says "about 2 hours." The guy leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks "how long before I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around the shop and says "about an hour and a half". The guy leaves.
The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says "Hey, Joey, I'll give you a free cut if you follow that guy and see where he goes."
In a little while, Joey comes back into the shop laughing hysterically. The barber says, "this must be good, where did he go when he left here?"
Joey goes, "To your house!"
________________________________________________________________
Hello!
This is from a contest on Long Island. The requirements were to use the words Lewinski and Kaczynski in a limerick. (Kaczynski you will recall is the Unabomber).
Entry # 1 There once was a gal named Lewinsky Who played on a flute like Stravinsky 'Twas "Hail to the Chief" on this flute made of beef that stole the front page from Kaczynski.
Entry # 2 Oh to young Ms. Lewinsky We don't want to leave clues like Kaczynski, Since you look such a mess, use the hem of your dress And wipe that stuff off of your chinsky.
Entry # 3 Lewinsky and Clinton have shown what Kaczynski must surely have known: that an intern is better than a bomb in a letter given the choice of how to be blown.
==========
Great Female Comebacks
Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."
Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."
Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."
Man: "So, wanna go back to my place?" Woman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"
Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."
Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too."
Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator."
Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter"
Man: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?" Woman: "Unfertilized !"
Man: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason" Woman: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"
Man: "I'm here to fulfill your every sexual fantasy." Woman: "You mean you've got both a donkey and a Great Dane?"
Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone."
Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts."
Man: "If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: Woman: "Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die laughing."
Man: "Your body is like a temple." Woman: "Sorry, there are no services today."
Man: "I'd go through anything for you." Woman: "Good! Let's start with your bank account."
Man: "I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: "Yes, but would you stay there?
___________________________________________________________________
This is a compilation of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college (how scary)..
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, "Am I my brother's son?"
3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
4 Solomom had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn't have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.
9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for very long.
10. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: "Tee hee, Brutus."
11. Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects by playing the fiddle to them.
12. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was cannonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
13. In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems and verses and also wrote literature.
14. Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his son's head.
15. Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen." As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted "hurrah."
16. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
17. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
18. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
19. During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing about the Atlantic. His ships were called the Nina, the Pinta, and the Santa Fe.
20. Later, the Pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born. Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.
21. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the War and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
22. Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.
23. Abraham Lincoln became America's greatest Precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. The believed assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
24. Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.
25. Gravity was invented by Issac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.
26. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English. He was very large.
27. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
28. The French Revolution was accomplished before it happened and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to inherit his power, but since Josephine was a baroness, she couldn't have any children.
29. The sun never set on the British Empire because the British Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.
30. Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on a thorn for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue. Her death was the final event which ended her reign.
31. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
32. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.
33. The First World War, caused by the assignation of the Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
______________________________________________________________
A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you." She answers, "My child, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me." She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: 1) you have to be single and 2) you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!" The nun says, "O.K., pull into the next alley." He does and the nun #@*#@*#@*#@*#@*#@. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying. "My dear child, why are you crying?" "Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish." She said, "That's OK, my name is Kevin and I'm on my way to a Halloween Party."
_________________________________________________________________
A guy goes into a restaurant to have dinner, and he is waited on by an extremely voluptuous waitress who is wearing a rather skimpy outfit.
"What would you like?" the waitress asks.
The guy looks the menu over, looks the waitress up and down, and he says, "I'd like a quickie."
Angered, the waitress storms off, but then she realizes that part of her job is to deal with insensitive jerks, so she cools off and returns to the table.
"What would you like?" the waitress asks.
The guy looks at the menu again, looks her over again and says, "I'd like a quickie!"
By now, the waitress has had it, so she hauls off and decks the guy, leaving him seeing stars as she stomps away from the table.
As the guy is recovering from the blow he just received, another guy, who had watched the entire episode from the next table over, leans over to the guy who just got decked and says, "Hey, buddy, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"
==========
A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account."
To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
"Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank."
Fuming, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation.
They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no fuckin' problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the fuckin' lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this fuckin' bank!"
"I see," says the manager, "and this fuckin' bitch is giving you a fucking hard time?"
______________________________________________________________
Confucius say
"Man who run in front of car get tired"
"Man who run behind car get exhausted"
"Man with one hand in pocket not necessarily jingling change"
"To prevent hangover stay drunk!"
"Passionate kiss like spiders web - soon lead to undoing of fly."
"Virginity like bubble. One prick - all gone!"
"Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ."
"Man who walk thru airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok
"Man with one chopstick go hungry."
"Man trapped in whore house get jerked around."
"Man who scratches ass should not bite fingernails."
"Man who eat many prunes get good run for money."
"Man with hand in pocket is having a ball."
"Baseball is wrong. Man with four balls cannot walk!"
"Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it."
"Woman who wear G-string, high on crack!"
"War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left."
"Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house."
"Man who sleep in cathouse by day, sleep in doghouse by night."
"Man who fight with wife all day, get no piece at night!"
"If you park, don't drink, accidents cause people."
"Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out!"
"It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it."
"Man who eat many prunes, sit on toilet many moons."
"Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!"
"Man who sit on tack get point!"
"Man who stand on toilet is high on pot!"
"Man who lives in glass house should change in basement"
"Boy who go to bed with sexual problem wake up with problem in hand"
"He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs."
"People who make Confucius joke speak bad English."
_________________________________________________________________
HOW DOGS AND MEN ARE THE SAME
Both take up too much space on the bed. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning. Both are threatened by their own kind. Both mark their territory. Both are bad at asking you questions. Neither tells you what's bothering them. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous. Neither does the dishes. Both pass gas shamelessly. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut. Both like dominance games. Both are suspicious of the postman. Neither knows how to talk on the phone. Neither understands what you see in cats. Both jump on you when aren't in the mood to play.
HOW DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public. Dogs miss you when you're gone. Dogs feel guilt when they've done wrong. Dogs don't criticize your friends. Dogs admit when they're jealous. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out. Dogs do not play games with you except fetch (and they don't laugh at the way you throw). Dogs don't feel threatened by intelligence. You can train a dog. You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams. The worst social disease you can get form a dog is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you. Dogs understand what NO means. Dogs understand if some of their friends can't come in the house. Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner. Dogs admit it when they're lost. Dogs aren't threatened if you earn more than they do. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.
WHERE MEN ARE BETTER THEN DOGS Men only have 2 feet that track in mud. Men can buy you presents. Men don't have to play with every man they see when you go for a walk. Men are a little more subtle. Men don't eat feces on the sly. Dogs have dog breath all the time.
_______________________________________________________
These come direct from a native of Wisconsin... and I believe that they are ALL true!
==========
Ole, Lena and Sven were lost in the woods of Northern Minnesota
and were becoming desperate having run out of food several
days ago. It was winter, the snow was deep, and their situation
was looking very bleak.
When Ole dug down into the snow to look for nuts, he found an
oil lamp and upon rubbing it to get the snow off, a genie came
out.
The genie says, "I am da great genie of Nordern Minnesooota and
I can grant each of you vun vish."
Ole says, "I vish I vas back on da farm." Poof, Ole was gone.
Lena quickly says, "I vish I vas back on da farm wit Ole."
Poof, Lena was gone.
Sven was sitting there looking sad and the genie finally says,
"Sven, vat is our vish?"
Sven says, "Gee, I'm really lonely. I vish Ole and Lena were
here with me".
==========
Sven was going for his morning walk one day when he walked
past Ole's house and saw a sign that said, "Boat For Sale."
This confused Sven because he knew that Ole didn't own a boat,
so he decided to go in and ask Ole about it.
"Hey Ole," said Sven, "I noticed da sign in your yard dat says
'Boat For Sale,' but ya don't even have a boat. All ya have is
your old John Deere tractor and combine."
Ole replied "Yup, and they're boat for sale."
==========
One day Ole goes in to see his doctor. Ole says, "Doc, I
just don't know vat to do. Lena and me, vell, our sex life
just ain't going dat vell."
The doctor says, "Ole, all you need is some exercise. I want
you to walk ten miles every day. You give me a call in a week
and let me know how you're doing."
So, a week later the phone rings and the doctor answers it. A
voice on the other end says, "Doc, dis is Ole."
The doctor says, "Hello Ole. Have you been walking ten miles
every day?"
Ole says, "Yes."
The doctor asks, "And has your sex life improved?"
Ole replies, "Well, how da hell vould I know? I'm seventy
miles avay from home!"
==========
Lena passed away and Ole called 911. The 911 operator told
Ole that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you
live?" asked the operator.
Ole replied, "At da end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?"
There was a long pause and finally Ole said, "How 'bout if
I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up der?"
==========
Ole was fishing with Sven in a rented boat. They could not
catch a thing. Ole said, "Let's go a vit furder down stream."
So they did and they caught many monstrous fish. They had
their limit so they went home. On the way home Sven said, "I
marked de spot right in de middle of de boat, Ole."
"You Stupid," said Ole, "How do you know ve vill get da same
boat next time?"
==========
Ole and Lena were lying in bed one night when the phone
rang, Ole answered it and Lena heard him yell, "Vell, how da
hell should I know, dats over 2,000 miles away" and he hung up.
Lena say's "who was dat Ole?"
Ole say's "Hell if I know, some guy wants ta know if da
coast is clear."
___________________________________________________________
A man walks into a supermarket and buys : 1 bar of soap 1 toothbrush 1 tube toothpaste 1 loaf of bread 1 pint of milk 1 single serving cereal 1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout looks at him and says "Single are you?"
The man replies very sarcastically "How did you guess?"
She replies "because you're fucking ugly"
_________________________________________________________________
A woman goes to a plastic surgeon to get some work done. She says to the surgeon, "What can you do for me?"
The surgeon says, "Well, you have bags under your eyes, I can fix those, and you have crow's feet by your eyes. I can tighten the skin up." disclaimer-this is tasteless
The woman asks for a price, and the surgeon gives her one. She says she can afford more than that, what else can he do?
"Well," says the surgeon, "your forehead is a little wrinkly, I can pull that tight. Also, your jowls droop down. I can fix that, also."
Again, the woman asks for a price, and says that she can afford more than the surgeon says, and asks what else he can do.
The surgeon says, "Well, for $1200, I can give you the full treatment, from the neck up. You have a double chin, and I can fix that for you. Also, your neck and throat are a little baggy. I can pull all that tight for you. And, as an extra, I will put a small screw in the back of your neck, under your hair. When you start to get more wrinkles, you can come in, and I will tighten the screw a bit, and tighten your skin right up."
The woman agrees, and has the work done. She looks beautiful. 8 months later, the woman calls the surgeon on the phone.
"Doctor! I have a problem! I have these huge bags under my eyes! I have never had bags like this before! I need to come in and have you fix this!"
The surgeon says to her, "Lady, those aren't bags, those are your boobs. And, if you don't stop turning that screw, you're gonna have a goatee."
___________________________________________________________________
An English professor wrote the words,
"Woman without her man is nothing"
on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: "Woman, without her man, is nothing."
The women wrote: "Woman! Without her, man is nothing."
____________________________________________________________________
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry," replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?" The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious...Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --- meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?" The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
did you hear about the drowning down by the Seine? Un, deux, trois, cats sank.
Where are two places in France you should never buy clothing? Toulouse and Toulong
Why is getting up at five a.m. like a pig's tail? It's twirly.
____________________________________________________________
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }