Joke collection nr. 6
by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends.
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all." 
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
 
 
 
Physics Class
As a premed student at Washington University in St. Louis, I had to take a 
difficult class in physics.  One day our professor was discussing a 
particularly complicated concept.  A  student rudely interrupted to ask  
"Why do we have to learn this irrelevant stuff?"
 "To save lives." the professor responded quickly and continued the  
lecture.
 A few minutes later, the same student spoke up again. "So how does 
physics 
save lives?" he persisted.
"It helps keeps the idiots like you out of medical school," replied the 
professor.

==========
Top 12 rejected "Motel 6" slogans:
12. Because you deserve better than the backseat of some car.
11. As seen on "COPS"
10.  If We'd Known You Were Staying All Night, We'd Have Changed the 
Sheets
9. We left off the 9, but you know it's there.   
8. You rented the room, now buy the video.
7. Sure, you could stay someplace nicer, but then you wouldn't have
money left over for a lady of the night.
6. We'll leave the Lysol for ya!
5. We don't make the adultery.  We make the adultery better
4.  It's Hookerriffic!
3. Blurring the line between stains and avant garde sheet art 
since1962!
2. Cheap and Easy -- Just Like That Gal from the other side of the
track.
1. We put the "Ho" in  "Hotel" 

HOTEL SOAP
The following letters are taken from an actual incident between a 
London hotel and one of its guests. The Hotel ended up submitting 
the letters to the London Sunday Times!
---
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my 
bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please 
remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the 
medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. 
They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
---
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, 
from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish
as you requested.
The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your
Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves 
only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management
is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
---
Dear Maid - I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the 
little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found
you had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am
going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own 
bath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on the 
shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. 
Please remove them.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which
we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your
way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I
put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn't 
remove 
the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine
cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you 
checked
in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this morning that
you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid
service.
I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my
apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints 
please
contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 
between
8AM and 5PM.
Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
---
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for 
business
at 7:45 AM and don't get back before 5:30 or 6PM. That's the reason I
called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked 
Mr.
Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap.
The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in
today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet
along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bath-room shelf. In just 
5
days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap.
Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your
room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please
call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM.
Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
---
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room
including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to
call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem
I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids
are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The
situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies
for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
---
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who [expletive deleted] left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I
came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 
little bars of Camay. I want my one [expletive deleted] bar of bath-size Dial. Do
you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here? All I want is my bath size
Dial.
Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. 
Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing 
so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken 
and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily. I don't know
anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did 
not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3
daily Camays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues 
bath-size Dial. 
I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
---
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.
As of today I possess:
- On the shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and
1 stack of 2.
- On the Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of
3.
- On the bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet,- 1 stack of
4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. 
- Inside the medicine cabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack
of 2.
- In the shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist. 
- On the northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
- On the northwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are
neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more
than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill 
is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. 
One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I
am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
_______________________________________

They claim these are culled from kids science exams. I never believe 
that. So, I'm changing the whole intro. 
     
       "Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is 
       pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
     
       "When you breathe, you inspire.  When you do not breathe, you 
       expire."
     
       "H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water."
     
       "To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame 
       in a test tube"
     
       "When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbon 
       monoxide"
     
       "Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a 
       free state"
     
       "Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and 
       caterpillars."
     
       "Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
     
       "Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and 
       then
       expectoration."
     
       " The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even 
       deader
     
       "Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow 
       instead of the bull."
     
       "Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them 
       and makes them perspire."
     
       "A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can 
       hold."
     
       "Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like 
       umbrellas."
     
       "The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and 
       the abominable cavity.  The brainium contains the brain, the borax 
       contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity 
       contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, I, o and u."
     
       "Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
     
       "Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky."
     
       "Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot."
     
       "Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
     
       "Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is 
       affirmative or negative."
     
       "To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
     
       "For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until 
       the heart stops."
     
       "For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down 
       to make Artificial Perspiration."
     
       "For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her 
       arm above the hand instead.  Or put the head between the knees of 
       the nearest medical doctor."
     
       "For dog bite: put the dog away for several days.  If he has 
       not recovered, then kill it."
     
       "For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the 
       patient is dead."
     
       "To prevent contraception: wear a condominium."
     
       "For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it 
       drops in your throat."
     
       "To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow."
     
       "The pistol of a flower is its only protection against 
       insects."
     
       "The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of 
       Indiana."
     
       "The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken 
       out and the outsides have been taken off.  The purpose of the 
       skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
     
       "A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight 
       cuspids, two molars,and eight cuspidors."
     
       "The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon.  All water 
       tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and 
       nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this 
       fight."
     
       "A fossil is an extinct animal.  The older it is, the more 
       extinct it is."
     
       "Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through 
       Africa."
     
       "Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
     
       "Liter: A nest of young puppies."
     
       "Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
_______________________________________
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,
and  the police didn't have anything to go on.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during  root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard
tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a
pizza  my mind.
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type.
Her  doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln
Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain
itwas.  I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel
syndrome."
California smog test: Can UCLA?
The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.
==========
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the
2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can
eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is
optional."
Sign outside brothel: On Vacation. Beat it.
_____________________________________________________
 Boss, to four of his employees: 
 "I'm really sorry, but I'm going to have to let one of you go."
      
 Black Employee: "I'm a protected minority."
      
 Female Employee: "And I'm a woman."
      
 Oldest Employee: "Fire me, buster, and I'll hit you with an age 
 discrimination suit so fast it'll make your head spin."
     
 To which they all turn to look at the helpless young, white, male 
 employee, who thinks a moment, then responds:
      
 "I think I might be gay..."
 

Presidents Ford, Reagan, Carter, Nixon and Clinton
were on a ship that hit an iceberg.

Ford screamed,      "What should we do?",
Reagan said,        "Man the lifeboats",
Carter said,         "Women and children first",
Nixon said,         "Screw the women and children",
Clinton said,       "Do you think we have time?".
__________________________________________________________
 With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of 
 drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in today's 
 society:

 
 DIRECTRA - a dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car 
 trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got
lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.
 
 PROJECTRA - Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely
to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one. 
 
 CHILDAGRA - Men taking this drug reported a sudden, over-whelming 
 urge to perform more child-care tasks - especially cleaning up spills
and "little" accidents.
 
 COMPLIMENTRA - In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men 
 administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle.
Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new 
clothing. 
 
 BUYAGRA - Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge 
 to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug
for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for
a period longer than your favorite store's return limit. 
 
 NEGA-VIAGRA - Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently 
 undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
 
 NEGA-SPORTAGRA - This drug had the strange effect of making men want 
 to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family
members. 
 
 FLYAGRA - This drug has been showing great promise in treating men 
 with O.F.D. (Open Fly Disorder).  Especially useful for men on Viagra. 
 
 PRYAGRA - About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the
test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other
people.
 Note: Apparent overdose turned three test subjects into "special 
 prosecutors."
 
 LIAGRA - This drug causes men to be less than truthful when being 
 asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand
Jury and Presidential strength versions.

____________________________________________________
Hangover: The wrath of grapes.
Income Tax: Capital punishment.
A used car is not always what it's jacked up to be.
Two silkworms were in a race. They ended up in a tie.
To my sweetheart: My cooking's gotten better since I fondue.
A robber broke into the police station and stole all the toilet seats,
and  the police didn't have anything to go on.
Middle Age: When actions creak louder than words.
Egotist: One who is me-deep in conversation.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain
during  root canal work?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Did you hear about the woman who started dating rakes and fell on hard
tines?
Why won't melons elope in Las Vegas? They cantaloupe.
Q: What do Christmas and a crab on the beach have in common?
A: They both involve sandy claws.
Archeologist: A man whose career lies in ruins.
Kleptomaniac: One who can't help himself from helping himself.
Did you hear about the snake who gave birth to a bouncing baby boa?
Once I got angry at the chef of an Italian restaurant, so I gave him a
pizza  my mind.
The fish secretary lodged herself in a pipe and could no longer type.
Her  doctor said, "This is a clear case of 'Carp in tunnel' syndrome."
A friend of mine who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln
Tunnel with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about what a pain
itwas.  I told him that he may have a bad case of "car pool tunnel
syndrome."
California smog test: Can UCLA?
The competition at a local dog show was quite "Ruff"
Q: How did the pig with laryngitis feel?
A: Dis-gruntled.
==========
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are
on fire and take appropriate action."
On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the
dog."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for,
you've come to the right place."
On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a
car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you
coming."
Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the
2nd one just left."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your
bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what
you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and
get fed up."
Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can
eat any place they want."
On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is
optional."
Sign outside brothel: On Vacation. Beat it.
________________________________________________
 MZThe Queen and Di are out for a drive in one of the Queen's Range
 Rovers.
 Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car. 
 "Give us the money", they shout at the Queen.

 "But I'm the Queen of England, I have no need for money."

 "Oh, shit", says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Di. "Give us
 yer jewels."

 "But I don't wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions."

 The armed robbers looked fed up, when suddenly they heard the sound of
 wailing
 sirens approaching. "Quick, out of the car. We'll have the Range Rover
 at least,"
 and with that the robbers drove off.

 As the Queen and Di are waiting for the police to get there, Di turns to
 the
 Queen. "What did you do to all the cash you had? You're always loaded."

 "Ah," says the Queen, "I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before
 they got
 to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place
 that women
 have." Reaching into her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in
 notes.
 "And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of jewelry,
 my
 dear." The Queen says to Di.

 "Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car,
 I
 slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them
 into that
 little place that only women have." Reaching down she plucks out her
 jewellery.

 They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Di...
 "You
 know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover."
_______________________________________________
A Pig Story!
Bill Clinton and his driver were cruising along a country road one night
when all of a sudden they hit a pig, killing it instantly.
Bill told his driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners
what had happened.
About 1 hour later, Bill sees his driver staggering back to the car with
a bottle of wine in one hand, a cigar in the other and his clothes all
ripped and torn.
"What happened to you ?", asked Bill.
"Well, the farmer gave me the wine, his wife gave me the cigar and his 19
year-old daughter made mad passionate love to me." replied the driver.
"My God, what did you tell them ?", asks Clinton.
The driver replies, "I'm Bill Clinton's driver, and I just killed the 
pig".
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }