Joke collection nr. 7 by Jacob Holdt Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all politically correct) are shown in the order I received them in emails from good and really "bad" American friends. I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all."
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
(Sorry, all, especially journalism folks--this one came with no source of origination...)
A man who says he became violently ill when he bit into a Big Mac and found a rolled up condom is suing a McDonald's restaurant.
Jeff Bolling is seeking punitive damages or "exemplary fines" from the McDonald's and its parent company, CLP Corp. The company and the franchise's management deny any wrongdoing.
In the lawsuit, Bolling claims he became violently ill and suffered extreme emotional distress after finding the condom in the sandwich on Oct. 6, 1995, after going through a drive-through window. He had tried to bite through what he though was a pickle several times, Bolling said.
Bolling says he's now so worried about exposure to the AIDS virus that he has himself tested every six months. He said the incident has also turned him off of Big Macs.
Police said the condom was not packaged, but in a rolled-up condition as it would appear when new. CLP attorney Martin Bloom declined to comment on how the condom got into the hamburger.
Doctors have not found any signs of disease in Bolling. The case goes to trial Aug. 25.
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Age is a Funny Thing:
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions. How old are you?.... "I'm four and a half".... You're never 36 and a half....you're four and a half going on five!
That's the key. You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number. How old are you? "I'm gonna be 16." You could be 12, but you're gonna be 16.
And then the greatest day of your life happens....you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony....you BECOME 21...YES!!!
But then you turn 30....ooohhh what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk....He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There's no fun now.
What's wrong?? What changed?? You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you're PUSHING 40.....stay over there, it's all slipping away........
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50.....and your dreams are gone.
Then you MAKE IT to 60.....you didn't think you'd make it!!!!
So you BECOME 21, you TURN 30, you're PUSHING 40, you REACH 50, you MAKE IT to 60......then you build up so much speed you HIT 70!
After that, it's a day by day thing. After that, you HIT Wednesday.... You get into your 80's, you HIT lunch. You TURN 4:30, my grandmother won't even buy green bananas....it's an investment you know, and maybe a bad one.
And it doesn't end there....into the 90's you start going backwards.... I was JUST 92...
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again.... "I'm 100 and a half!!!!"
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Don't let anyone tell you you're getting old. Squash their toes with your rocker. Unknown
The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for. Unknown
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know why I look like this. I have traveled a long way. And some of the roads were not paved. Unknown
Maturity means being emotionally and mentally healthy. It is that time when you know when to say yes, when to say no, and when to say WHOOPEE ! Unknown
Spring is here and so am I, But at my age I wonder why If nature can be born anew Why can't I be recycled too?
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or starts to leak. Unknown
I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
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AGE is mostly a matter of mind. If you don't mind it, it doesn't matter.
TODAY's FORECAST: Partly rational with brief periods of coherent thought giving way to complete apathy by tonight
GOOD NEWS: I've finally discovered the Fountain of Youth. BAD NEWS: At my age, I've forgotten what I wanted to do with it.
I'm not confused, I'm just well-mixed
Never ask old people how they are if you have anything else to do that day.
My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.
One of the side benefits of forgetting names and faces You keep meeting new people every day
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Following the approval of Viagra by the UK's health authorities, the first shipment arrived yesterday at Heathrow airport, but was hijacked on the way to the depot.
Scotland Yard has warned the public to be on the lookout for a gang of hardened criminals.
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A mangy looking guy goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says,"No way. I don't think you can pay for it."
The guy says, "You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"
The bartender says, "Only if what you show me ain't risque."
"Deal!" says the guy and reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the bar, across the room, up the piano, jumps on the key boardand starts playing some Rolling Stones tunes. And the hamster is really good.
The bartender says, "You're right. I've never seen anything like that before. That hamster is truly good on the piano."
The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another.
"Money or another miracle else no drink", says the bartender.
The guy reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog on the bar and the frog starts to sing like Mick Jagger. He has a marvelous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.
A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offershim $300 for the frog. The guy says "It's a deal." He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.
The bartender says to the guy "Are you some kind of nut? You sold a singing frog for $300? It must have been worth millions. You must be crazy."
"Not really", says the guy. "The hamster's a ventriloquist." ==========
This guy goes into the bar Friday night and orders three beers, in fact every Friday night he goes into the bar and orders three beers and drinks them all by himself. Three beers...every Friday night. Not 2. Never 4. Always 3. Well, the bartender can't figure this out.Without fail this guy comes in. The bartender finally says to the guy "Every Friday night you come in here and have three beers. There must be a story to this. You never order 2 beers, or 4 beers, always 3." The guy says "Yes there is a story." You see, me and my two buddies always went out for a beer on Friday night when we were in Vietnam.
One night while we were drinking we decided that we could continue doing this when we return to the states. We also decided if one of us didn't make it the other two would drink the third ones beer. And if two didn't make it, the third guy would drink the other two beers.
The other two didn't make it back so I'm drinking theirs." The bartender felt bad. Well, the next Friday night the guy came back into the bar as usual but only ordered two beers. The bartender couldn't believe it. Friday after Friday this guy now orders only two drinks.
This went on for some time and the bartender was so puzzled he just had to ask the guy about it. The bartender says to him, "I noticed you have only been ordering two beers for the last few weeks. There has to be a story here."
The guy says, "Yes indeed there is a story. You see I joined the Mormon church and I can't drink beer any more."
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>Beer Troubleshooting SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
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An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian guy, "Your're in charge of sweeping," to the Irishman, "you're in charge of shoveling, and to the Chinese guy, 'And you're in charge of supplies.
"Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."
So the foreman goes away for a couple hours, and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?"
The Italian replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him."
So then the foreman turn to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.
The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies, but I couldn't find him."
The foreman is really pissed off now, and storms off toward the pile of sand looking for the Chinese guy.
Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells "SUPPLIES!
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Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in haiku:
A file that big? It might be very useful. But now it is gone.
The Web site you seek cannot be located but endless others exist
Chaos reigns within. Reflect, repent, and reboot. Order shall return.
ABORTED effort: Close all that you have. You ask far too much.
First snow, then silence. This thousand dollar screen dies so beautifully.
With searching comes loss and the presence of absence: "My Novel" not found.
The Tao that is seen Is not the true Tao, until You bring fresh toner.
Windows NT crashed. I am the Blue Screen of Death. No one hears your screams.
Stay the patient course Of little worth is your ire The network is down
A crash reduces your expensive computer to a simple stone.
Yesterday it worked Today it is not working Windows is like that
Three things are certain: Death, taxes, and lost data. Guess which has occurred.
You step in the stream, but the water has moved on. This page is not here.
Out of memory. We wish to hold the whole sky, But we never will.
Serious error. All shortcuts have disappeared. Screen. Mind. Both are blank.
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This is a small assortment of the best 0r worst of - Hennie Youngman
Insults
If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.
She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
Where did you get your haircut, the pet shop?
Drunk Jokes
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started."
Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"
Wife Jokes
Take my wife, please!
My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food..... She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
Airline Jokes
Getting on a plane, I told the ticket lady, "Send one of my bags to New York, send one to Los Angeles, and send one to Miami." She said, "We can't do that!" I told her, "You did it last week!"
I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.
Doctor Jokes
A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
My doctor grabbed me by the wallet and said "Cough!"
The patient says "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"
A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"
"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says "Limp!"
Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner...."
A man goes to a psychiatrist "Nobody listen to me!" The doctor says "Next!"
A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says "You're crazy" The man says "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"
Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."
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Prison Vs. Work
IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for
it.
IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and
open all the doors yourself.
IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.
IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.
IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for
prisoners.
IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from
the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.
IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.
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If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
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The Goat
Two guys are walking through the woods and come across this really big, deep hole.
"Wow.. that looks deep!" "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is." They pick up a few pebbles, throw them in, and wait.....no noise. "Doggone, that is REALLY deep... here throw one these big rocks and see how long it takes." Again, there was no noise after throwing in the rock.
"Look over here, there's a railroad tie in the weeds. Lets throw it in, its gotta make a noise." The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound from the hole.
The two stand there, amazed, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a goat appears, running like the wind.
It rushes straight toward the two men and then past them, running as fast as its legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps into the air and into the hole. The two men are astonished by what they've just seen. Then out of the wood comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.
"Hey .. you two guys seen my goat out here?"
"You bet we did! The darndest thing we've ever seen. Came running outta nowhere like crazy and just jumped right into this hole!"
"Nah", says the farmer, " Couldn't have been my goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."
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COMPUTER PROBLEMS!
1. Describe your problem:
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2. Now, describe the problem accurately:
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3. Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:
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4. Problem severity:
A. Minor
B. Minor
C. Minor
D. Trivial
5. Nature of the problem:
A. Locked Up ___
B. Frozen ___
C. Hung __
D. Strange Smell __
6. Is your computer plugged in? Yes __ No __
7. Is it turned on? Yes __ No __
8. Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes __ No __
9. Have you made it worse? Yes __
10. Have you had a friend who "knows all about computers " try to
fix it for you ? Yes__ No__
11. Did they make it even worse? Yes __
12. Have you read the manual? Yes__ No__
13. Are you sure you've read the manual? Maybe __ No__
14. Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No__
15. If you read the manual, do you think you understood it? Yes__
No__
16. If 'Yes' then explain why you can't fix the problem yourself:
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17. What were you doing with your computer when the problem
occurred?
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18. If you answered 'nothing' then explain why you were logged
in:
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19. Are you sure that you aren't imagining the problem? Yes__ No__
20. Does the clock on your VCR blink 12:00? Yes__ What's a VCR__
21. Do you have a copy of 'PCs for Dummies'? Yes__ No__
22. Do you have any independent witnesses to the problem? Yes__
No__
23. Do you have any electronic products that DO work? Yes __ No__
24. Is there anyone else that you could blame this problem on?
Yes__ No__
25. Have you given the machine a good whack on the top? Yes__ No__
26. Is the machine on fire? Yes__ Not Yet __
27 Can you do something else instead of bothering me? Yes__
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101 Dalmatians and Peter Pan are the only two Disney cartoon features with both parents that are present and don't die throughout the movie.
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents daily.
160 cars can drive side by side on the Monumental Axis in Brazil, the world's widest road.
315 entries in Webster's Dictionary will be misspelled.
99% of the solar system's mass is concentrated in the sun.
A 10-gallon hat barely holds 6 pints.
A cockroach can live for several weeks without its head.
A cow produces 200 times more gas a day than a person.
A duck's quack doesn't echo. No one knows why.
A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise's car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore-where a tree blew over and killed him.
A fully loaded supertanker travelling at normal speed takes at least twenty minutes to stop.
A giraffe can go without water longer than a camel can.
A hard working adult sweats up to 4 gallons per day. Most of the sweat evaporates before a person realizes it's there, though!
A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A jumbo jet uses 4,000 gallons of fuel to take off.
A quarter has 119 grooves on its edge, a dime has one less groove!
A shark can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.
A toothpick is the object most often choked on by Americans!
According to a British law passed in 1845, attempting to commit suicide was a capital offense. Offenders could be hanged for trying.
Actor Tommy Lee Jones and vice-president Al Gore were freshman roommates at Harvard.
Almost a quarter of the land area of Los Angeles is taken up by automobiles.
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Ancient One-liners
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be quoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving; I'm reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
It is well to remember that the entire universe, with one trifling exception, is composed of others.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Mind Like A Steel Trap - Rusty and Illegal In 37 States
Quantum Mechanics: The dreams stuff is made of.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane, going the wrong way.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is directly proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Don't sweat petty things....or pet sweaty things.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Always try to be modest. And be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hands....
Get a new car for your spouse-it'll be a great trade!
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Everybody repeat after me....."We are all individuals."
Death to all fanatics!
Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Borrow money from pessimists-they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of the lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }