Joke collection nr. 11
 by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends.
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all." 
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
Two Texans were having breakfast at their favorite watering hole, when
they heard this awful choking sound. They turned around to see a lady a
few bar stools away turning blue from wolfing down an Armadillo omelet
too fast.  
The first Texas said to the other "Think we otta' help?"
"Yep"answered the second Texan.  
The first Texan got up and walked over to the lady and asked "Kin yew  
breathe?" She shook her head no.  
"Kin yew speak?"  She again shook her head no.  With that, he helped her 
to her feet, lifted up her skirt and started to lick her on the butt. She
was so shocked, she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe, with
great relief.  The first Texan turned back to his friend and said, "Funny
how that there Hind Lick Maneuver works every time."
Boomers Remember
Then: Long hair
Now: Longing for hair
Then: A keg
Now: A ekg
Then: Acid rock
Now: Acid reflux
Then: Moving to California because it's cool.
Now: Moving to California because it's hot.
Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents 
Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids
Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor
Then: Seeds and stems
Now: Roughage
Then: Popping pills, smoking joints
Now: Popping joints
Then: The President's struggle with Fidel
Now: The President's struggle with fidelity
Then: Paar
Then: Killer weed
Now: Weed killer
Then: Hoping for a BMW
Now: Hoping for a BM
Then: The Grateful Dead
Now: Dr. Kevorkian
Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint
Now: Getting a new hip joint
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby
English will be the official language of the European Union rather than
German, which was the other possibility. As part of the negotiations,
Her Majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for
improvement and has accepted a 5-year phase-in plan that would be
known as "Euro-English.
In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will
make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in
favor of the 'k'. This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have
one less letter.
There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the
troublesome 'ph' will be replased with the 'f'. This will make words
like 'fotograf' 20% shorter!
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are
Governments will enkorage the removal of doubel leters which have
always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the 
horible mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should
By the 4th year, peopl will be reseptiv to steps such as replasing
'th' with 'z', and 'w' wiz 'v'. During ze fifz year, ze unesesary 'o'
kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and similar changes vud of kurs
be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters. After ze fifz yer, ve vil hav a
reli sensibl ritn styl. Zer vil be no mor trubl of difikultis and evriun
vil find it ezi tu undrstand ech ozer. Zen Z Drem Vil Finali Kum Tru!!

Technology for Rednecks
1.  LOG ON:  Makin a wood stove hotter.
2.  LOG OFF:  Don't add no more wood.
3.  MONITOR:  Keepin an eye on the wood stove.
4.  DOWNLOAD:  Gettin the farwood off the truk.
5.  MEGA HERTZ:  When yer not kerful gettin the farwood.
6.  FLOPPY DISC:  Whatcha git from tryin to carry too much farwood.
7.  RAM:  That thar thing whut splits the farwood.
8.  HARD DRIVE:  Gettin home in the winter time.
9.  PROMPT:  Whut the mail ain't in the winter time.
10. WINDOWS:  Whut to shut wen it's cold outside.
11. SCREEN:  Whut to shut wen it's blak fly season.
12. BYTE:  Whut them dang flys do.
13. CHIP:  Munchies fer the TV.
14. MICRO CHIP:  Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag.
15. MODEM:  Whut cha did to the hay fields.
16. DOT MATRIX:  Old Dan Matrix's wife.
17. LAP TOP:  Whar the kitty sleeps.
18. KEYBOARD:  Whar ya hang the dang keys.
19. SOFTWARE:  Them dang plastic forks and knifs.
20. MOUSE:  Whut eats the grain in the barn.
21. MAINFRAME:  Holds up the barn roof.
22. PORT:  Fancy Flatlander wine
23. ENTER:  Northerner talk fer "C'mon in y'all"
24. RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY:  Wen ya cain't 'member whut ya paid fer the 
rifle when yore wife asks.

A businessman walks into a bar after a day at the office, sits down, and 
orders a drink.  He grabs a handful of peanuts from the bowl on the 
counter, and as he takes his first sip, he hears a voice say, "That's a beautiful 
tie, is that silk?  The women must love you."
Wondering who would make such a strange comment, he looks around and 
doesn't see anyone near him who could have been speaking to him.  With a shrug, 
he finishes his drink and peanuts and orders another.
Next he hears a voice say, "Those shoes are stylin,' my man.  Are they 
Italian leather?  They look grrrreat." He whirls around to again see no 
one near him.  He glances nervously around and then at his shoes, which he 
tucks self-consciously under the stool.
A little weirded out, he grabs another handful of peanuts and orders a 
third drink.  This time the voice continues with, "That suit looks fantastic.  
Is it an Armani? You are soooo chic-chic!"
He immediately calls the bartender over and says, "Look.  I keep hearing 
these voices telling me how great my tie, my shoes, and my suit look -- 
What's up with that?  Am I going crazy?"
"Oh," the bartender, nonchalantly replies, "those are just the peanuts."
"The peanuts??" the astonished man asks, staring at the bowl beside him.
"Yeah," replies the bartender, "...they're complimentary."
oops! ok, tuesday then...
10 Signs That You Have Job Burnout:
10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with just: "Hell."
9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately
scream, "Get off my back!!"
8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.
7. You wake up to discover your bed is on fire, but go back to
sleep because you just don't care.
6. You have so much on your mind, you've forgotten how to LOGON.
5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.
4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know the pager will
go off before the alarm does.
3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.
2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.
1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

A woman died and found herself standing outside the Pearly Gates,
being greeted by St. Peter. She asked him, "Oh, is this place what I
really think it is? It's so beautiful. Did I really make it to heaven?"
To which St. Peter replied, "Yes, my dear, these are the Gates to
Heaven.  But you must do one more thing before you can enter."
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do
to pass through the gates.
Spell a word," St. Peter replied.
"What word?" she asked.
"Any word," answered St. Peter. "It's your choice."
The woman promptly replied, "Then the word I will spell is love.
St. Peter congratulated her on her good fortune to have made it to
Heaven, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the
gates for a few minutes while he took a break. "I'd be honored," she
said, "but what should I do if someone comes while you are gone?"
St. Peter reassured her, and instructed the woman simply have any
newcomers to the Pearly Gates to spell a word as she had done.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter's chair and watching the
beautiful angels soaring around her, when low and behold, a man
approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
"What happened?" she cried, "Why are you here?"
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, "I was so upset
when I left your funeral, I was in an accident. And now I am here?
Did I really make it to Heaven?"
To which the woman replied, "Not yet. You must spell a word first."
"What word?" he asked.
The woman responded, "Czechoslovakia."
(this is pushing it abit)
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller.  He can see from
her nameplate that the teller's name is Patricia Whack.  So he says, "Ms
Whack, I'd like to get a loan to buy a boat and go on a long vacation."
Patti looks at the frog in disbelief and asks how much he wants to 
The frog says $30,000.  The teller asks his name and the frog says that 
his name is Kermit Jagger and that it's OK, he knows the bank manager.
Patti explains that $30,000 is a substantial amount of money and that
he will need to secure some collateral against the loan.  She asks if he 
has anything he can use as collateral. The frog says, "Sure, I have this," and
produces a tiny pink porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall.  Bright 
pink and perfectly formed.  Very confused, Patti explains that she'll have to
consult with the manager and disappears into a back office.  
She finds the manager and says: "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out 
there who claims to
know you and wants to borrow $30,000.  And he wants to use this as 
She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what the heck is this?"
(Prepare yourself)
So the bank manager looks back at her and says: "It's a knick knack,
Patti Whack.  Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

People are Like Potatoes:
Some people are very bossy and like to tell others what to do, but 
don't want to soil their own hands. They are called "Dick Taters."
Some people never seem motivated to participate, but are just 
content to watch while others do the work. They are called "Speck 
Some people never do anything to help, but are gifted at finding 
fault with the way others do the work. They are called "Comment 
Some people are always looking to cause problems by asking others 
to agree with them.  It is too hot or too cold, too sour or too 
sweet.  They are called "Agie Taters."
There are those who say they will help, but somehow just never get 
around to actually doing the promised help. They are called "Hezza 
Some people can put up a front and pretend to be someone they are 
not.  They are called "Emma Taters."
Then there are those who love and do what they say they will.  They 
are always prepared to stop whatever they are doing and lend a 
helping hand.  They bring real sunshine into the lives of others.  
They're called  "Sweet Taters."

The following letter was received by the principal's office of a junior 
high school in Tennessee after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the 
elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. 
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior
citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for
the aged. All my people are gone.  It's nice to know that someone
thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me 
listen to it. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of
pieces. It was awful. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I
said fuck you.
Edna Johnson
Warning, Read the Label
Some examples of why the human race has probably
evolved as far as possible.  These are actual instruction
labels on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner!  No purchase necessary.  Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's 'just' a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:  (printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late!  You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure???  Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boot's Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the construction accidents if we
just kept those 5 year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning: keep out of children.
(or pets!  What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood belief)

RE:     Bad joke of the day
A man is eating in a fancy restaurant, and there is a gorgeous
blond eating at the next table.  He has been checking her out all night, but
lacks the nerve to go talk to her.  Suddenly she sneezes and her glass 
eye comes flying out of her socket towards the man.  He reflexively grabs and
snatches it out of the air.
"Oh my god, I am sooo sorry, " the woman says as she pops her
eye back in place.
"Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman
invites him back to her lovely home for a drink.  
They go back to her house, and after they talk a while and get to know one another a bit better, she
leads him into the bedroom and begins undressing him.
The couple have wild passionate and very tender sex over and
over all night.
The next morning when he awakens, she has already gotten up and
brings him breakfast in bed.
The guy is amazed.  "You know, you are the most wonderful and
perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replies....

(Wait for it....)

(Scroll Down...)

(It's coming.............)

(the suspense is killing you ........)

"You just happened to catch my eye."

The following statements are said to have been written by children and are
genuine,  authentic and not retouched or corrected (i.e. bad spelling has
been left in):
In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the
world, so he took the Sabbath off.
Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals
come on to in pears.
Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire  by night.
The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they  had trouble with
the unsympathetic Genitals.
Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like
Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.
Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread
which is bread without any ingredients.
The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up
on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.
The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
Moses died before he ever reached Canada.
Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.
The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand
still and he obeyed him.
David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar.
He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical
Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna
St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before
they  do one to you.
He also explained, "a man doth not live by sweat alone."
It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the
tombstone off the entrance.
The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.
St. Paul cavorted to Christianity.  He preached holy acrimony, which is
another name for marriage.
A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

>>>How do you keep a blonde busy for hours?
>>>Scroll Down!
>>>Scroll Up!
As you may know Anheuser-Busch (Bud Light) has
created an ad depicting two men holding hands (first ever type of
ad)with the slogan, "Be yourself and make it a Bud Light."  It is a
very welcome message ("be yourself") from a very major advertiser.
Hundreds of calls have been received by Bud Light from callers
AGAINST this ad.  No doubt the fundamentalist "christian" right
organizations are already organizing phone trees to flood Bud
with calls objecting to the ad.
1-877-233-7725 to automatically register you approval of this
A machine picks up and says "Thanks."  That's it!   Its
easy and takes about 5 seconds.
Please call today  ... and forward this email to everyone!
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
 -The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
 -A cockroach can live nine days without it's head before it starves to
 -A polar bear's skin is black. It's fur is not white, but actually
 -Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why
Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother.
 -Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear
 -More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane
 -Shakespeare invented the words "assassination" and "bump".
 -If you keep a goldfish in a dark room, it will eventually turn white.
 -Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
 -Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed  people do.
 -The continents' names all end with the same letter with which they
 -Typewriter is the longest word that can be made using the letters on
only one row of the keyboard.
-If the population of China walked past you in a single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
 -The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to
right, or right to left.
 -A snail can sleep for up to 3 years.
 -American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from
each salad served in first class.
 -The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
 -Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of
 1,000 and a size of 108.7 acres.
 -Did you know that you share your birthday with at least 9 million other
 people in the world?
 -"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
 -No president of the United States was an only child. 
Housewife took a lover during the day while her husband is at work.  
While this takes place she locks her 9 year old son in the bedroom closet.  One 
day her husband comes home while the lover is still there so she locks  the 
lover in the same closet with the boy.  They stand in the gloom for a while,  
then the boy says,
"Dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
"My dad is out there."
"OK, I'll buy it.  How much."
"Gee.  OK, I'll buy it."
A week later the man is over again.  The boy is locked in  the
closet again.  The father comes home again.  The man is locked in the 
closet with the boy again.  They stand in the gloom until the boy says,
"Dark in here."
"Yes, it is."
"I have a baseball glove."
"That's nice."
"Wanna buy it?"
Remembering the previous week, the man says, "Sure, how much."
The following weekend the father says to the boy, "Son, go get your ball 
and glove and lets play some catch." "I can't, Dad.  I sold them."
"Really?  For how much."
"Son, you shouldn't rip your friends off like that.  We didn't pay 
anywhere near that for those items.  I'm taking you to the Priest and I want you 
to confess your greed."
They go to the church to the confessional.  The boy goes in and sits down.
The little door opens so the Priest can hear his confession.
"What is your sin, my son."
"Dark in here."
"Don't start that again."    
A woman meets dennis Rodman in a bar. After a few drinks they go back to
his hotel room. Dennis begins to undress, removing his shirt to reveal a
"Reebok" tattoo. He explains, "When I play basketball, the cameras pick up
the tattoo and Reebok pays me for the advertisement." Next he takes off 
his pants to reveal the word "puma" tattooed on his leg, and he gives the same
Finally, the underwear comes off and the girl sees the word "AIDS" 
tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back, screaming, "You didn't tell me you had AIDS!!!"
Dennies says, "Relax, in a minute it's going to say "ADIDAS."
This test consists of one (1) multiple-choice question (so you better get
it right!) Here's a list of the countries that the U.S. has bombed since
the end of World War II, compiled by historian William Blum:
China 1945-46
Korea 1950-53
China 1950-53
Guatemala 1954
Indonesia 1958
Cuba 1959-60
Guatemala 1960
Congo 1964
Peru 1965
Laos 1964-73
Vietnam 1961-73
Cambodia 1969-70
Guatemala 1967-69
Grenada 1983
Libya 1986
El Salvador 1980s
Nicaragua 1980s
Panama 1989
Iraq 1991-99
Sudan 1998
Afghanistan 1998
Yugoslavia 1999
In how many of these instances did a democratic government, respectful
of human rights, occur as a direct result?  Choose one of the following:
(a) 0
(b) zero
(c) none
(d) not a one
(e) zip
(f) a whole number between -1 and +1
(g) zilch

The Penguin
This penguin is taking a trip when his car suddenly breaks down.
Luckily for him, he finds himself just down the street from a mechanic.
So he pushes his car to the shop and asks the mechanic to take a look.
The mechanic tells him it will take a while to find the problem and
tells him to come back in an hour.
The penguin goes to the supermarket across the street, buys some frozen
fish sticks and some vanilla ice cream and spends the rest of the hour
hanging out in the frozen foods section, chowing down.  After the hour
is up, he waddles over to the mechanic's shop.  Seeing the penguin come 
in, the mechanic walks over and, wiping his hands on a rag says, 
"Looks like you've blown a seal."
The penguin blushes, wipes his beak with a flipper and says, "No, it's
just vanilla ice cream."
 { Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 12, 13 }