Joke collection nr. 2
by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all 
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them 
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends. 
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all." 
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
  A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a
terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.  He,
being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going
to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good
time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain;
and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. Inasmuch as her
husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some
fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with 
  She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on
the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a
little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and
being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry
and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She let him
go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he
whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went
to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at
midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got
into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his
  She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time
he had.  He said "Oh, the same old thing.  You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."  Then she asked,"Did you dance much?" He
replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there,
I met Deke McQuaid, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the
den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you...the guy I loaned my
costume to, he sure had a great fuckin' time!" 

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons,"
     where :-) means a smile and :( is a frown. Well, how about some
     Here they are:
       (_!_)        a regular ass
       (__!__)      a fat ass
       (!)          a tight ass
       (_._)        a flat ass
       (_ )        a bubble ass
       (_*_)        a sore ass
       (_!__)       a lop-sided ass
       [_!_]        a swishy ass
       (_$_)        this ass will cost you
       (_o_)        this ass costs a lot less
       (_/_)        an asian ass
       (_ )        a latin ass
       (_*_)        a French ass
       (_x_)        kiss my ass
       (_X_)        leave my ass alone
       (_zzz_)      a tired ass
       (_oo_)       an ass built for two
       (_o=F4_)      a wise ass
       (_13_)       an unlucky ass
       (_Y_)        an ass that can't say No
       (_Q_)        tongue in cheek
       (_<_)        this ass belongs to someone
       (_v_)        an ass with hemorrhoids
       (_w_)        an ass with really bad hemorrhoids


Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend Marie
out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine.  It's a
beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says: "Pierre, kiss me!"
Our hero grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips.
"What are you doing, Pierre?", says the startled Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot!  When I have red meat, I like to
have red wine!"
She smiles and they start kissing.  When things begin to heat up
a little, Marie says, "Pierre, kiss me lower."
Our hero tears her blouse open, grabs a bottle of Chardonnay and
starts pouring it all over her chest.
"Pierre! What are you doing?', asks the bewildered Marie.
"I am Pierre the fighter pilot!  When I have white meat, I like to
have white wine!"
They resume their passionate interlude and things really steam up.
Marie leans close to his ear and whispers, "Pierre, kiss me lower!"
Our hero rips off her underwear, grabs a bottle of Cognac and pours
it in her lap. He strikes a match and lights it on fire.
Marie shrieks and dives into the river.  Standing waist deep,
Marie throws her arms upwards and screams furiously,
Our hero stands up defiantly, and says, "I am Pierre the fighter
pilot! And when I go down, I go down in flames!"


 As migration season approached, two elderly vultures doubted they could
make the trip south, so they decided to go by airplane instead.
 When they checked their baggage, the attendant noticed they were
 carrying two dead raccoons.
 "Do you wish to check those through as luggage?" she asked.
 "No, thanks," replied the vultures.  "They're carrion."
A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After 
dinner her mother tells her father to find out something about the young man. He
invites the fiancee to his study for a drink. "So what are your plans?" 
asks the father.
"I am a Torah scholar," he replies.
"A Torah scholar", the father repeats.  "Admirable, but what will you do
to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she is accustomed
"I will study", the young man replies, "and God will provide for us."
"And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring as she  deserves?"
asks the father.
"I will concentrate on my studies," the young man replies, "God will 
providefor us."
"And children," asks the father, "how will you support children?"
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, 
the fiancee insists that God will provide.  Later, the mother asks, "So, how 
did it go?"
The father answers, "He has no job and no plans.  But the good news is, He
thinks I am God."
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.  After his
checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined
with some horrible stress.  If you don't do the following your husband 
will die."
Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.
Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood.
For lunch make a him a nutritious meal.
For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him.
DON'T burden him with chores, as he probably will have had a hard day.
DON'T discuss your problems with him.  It will only make his stress worse.
And MOST importantly, make love to your husband several times a week and
satisfy HIS every whim.
"If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your
husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home, the husband asked his wife: "What did the doctor  say?"
 "You're going to die," she replied
Actual Bumper Stickers
  * We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated.
  * Jesus is coming, everyone look busy.
  * A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
  * Horn broken, watch for finger.
  * All men are idiots ... I married their king.
  * The more you complain, the longer God lets you live.
  * My kid had sex with your honor student.
  * If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.
  * Help wanted telepathy: you know where to apply
  * I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.
  * Jesus loves you... everyone else thinks you're an asshole.
  * I'm just driving this way to piss you off.
  * Jesus paid for our sins... now lets get our money's worth.
  * Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.
  * Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
  * Keep honking, I'm reloading.
  * Hang up and drive.
  * I don't have to be dead to donate my organ.
  * I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather ... Not screaming and
yelling like the passengers in his car.
  * Lord, save me from your followers.
  * Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.
  * I said "no" to drugs, but they just woudn't listen.
  * Cats... the other white meat.
  * The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
  * Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!
  * When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
  * Friends don't let Friends drive Naked.
  * If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
  * Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
  * Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
  * He/She who laughs last thinks slowest.
  * Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
  * Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
  * Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
  * Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
  * Be nice to your kids. They'll be choosing your nursing home.
  * Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
  * Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a
  * Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.
Subject: Jesus
Elvis - Jesus Similarities:
     Jesus said: "Love thy neighbor." (Matthew 22:39) 
     Elvis said: "Don't be cruel." (RCA, 1956) 
     Jesus is the Lord's shepherd. 
     Elvis dated Cybill Shepherd. 
     Jesus was part of the Trinity. 
     Elvis' first band was a trio. 
     Jesus walked on water. (Matthew 14:25) 
     Elvis surfed. (Blue Hawaii, Paramount, 1965) 
     Jesus' entourage, the Apostles, had 12 members. 
     Elvis' entourage, the Memphis Mafia, had 12 members. 
     Jesus was resurrected. 
     Elvis had the famous 1968 "comeback" TV special. 
     Jesus said, "If any man thirst, let him come unto me, and drink." (John
     Elvis said, "Drinks on me!" (Jailhouse Rock, MGM, 1957) 
     Jesus fasted for 40 days and nights. 
     Elvis had irregular eating habits. (e.g. 5 banana splits for breakfast) 
     Jesus is a Capricorn. (December 25) 
     Elvis is a Capricorn. (January 8) 
     Matthew was one of Jesus' many biographers. (The Gospel According to
     Neil Matthews was one of Elvis' many biographers. (Elvis: A Golden
     "[Jesus] countenance was like lightning, and his raiment white as snow."
     (Matthew 28:3) 
     Elvis wore snow-white jumpsuits with lightning bolts. 
     Jesus lived in state of grace in a Near Eastern land. 
     Elvis lived in Graceland in a nearly eastern state. 
     Mary, an important woman in Jesus' life, had an Immaculate Conception. 
     Priscilla, an important woman in Elvis' life, went to Immaculate
Conception High School. 
     Jesus was first and foremost the Son of God. 
     Elvis first recorded with Sun Studios, which today are still considered
to be his foremost recordings. 
     Jesus was the lamb of God. 
     Elvis had mutton chop sideburns. 
     Jesus' Father is everywhere. 
     Elvis' father was a drifter, and moved around quite a bit. 
     Jesus was a carpenter. 
     Elvis' favorite high school class was wood shop. 
     Jesus wore a crown of thorns. 
     Elvis wore Royal Crown hair styler. 
     Jesus H. Christ has 12 letters. 
     Elvis Presley has 12 letters. 
     No one knows what the "H" in "Jesus H. Christ" stood for. 
     No one was really sure if Elvis' middle name was "Aron" or "Aaron". 
     Jesus is often depicted in pictures with a halo that looks like a gold
     Elvis' face is often depicted on a plate with gold trim and sold through
     Jesus said: "Man shall not live by bread alone." 
     Elvis liked his sandwiches with peanut butter and bananas. 
 Subject:  Restroom Graffitti
     The best way to a man's heart is to saw his breast plate open. 
     ----Women's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL -  > (not far from a 
     major medical school)
     Don't trust anything that bleeds for 5 days and doesn't die. 
     ----Men's restroom, Murphy's, Champaign, IL
     If you can piss this high, join the fire department.
     ----On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet.
     O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland, Oregon.
     Beauty is only a light switch away.
     ----Perkins Library. Duke University. Durham, North Carolina.
     I've decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards. 
     ----Houghton Library, Harvard University. Cambridge, Massachusetts.
     If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then let's 
     all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. ----Armand's 
     Pizza. Washington, D.C.
     Remember, it's not, "How high are you?" it's "Hi, how are you?" 
     ----Rest stop off Route 81. West Virginia.
     God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust? ----The Irish Times. 
     Washington, D.C.
     Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity. ----The Bayou, 
     Baton Rouge, Louisiana.
     No matter how good she looks, just remember:  some other guy is sick 
     and tired of putting up with her shit.
     ----Men's Room, Linda's Bar and Grill. Chapel Hill, North Carolina.
     To do is to be. - Descartes
     To be is to do. - Voltaire
     Do be do be do. - Frank Sinatra
     ----Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
     At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry. ----Bentley's House of 
     Coffee and Tea, Tucson, Arizona.
     It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere. 
     ----Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg, Arizona.
     Make love, not war.   >- Hell, do both, get married! ----Women's 
     restroom, The Filling Station. Bozeman, Montana.
     God is dead. - Nietzsche
     Nietzsche is dead. - God
     ----The Tombs Restaurant. Washington, D.C.
     If voting could really change things, it would be illegal. 
     ----Revolution Books. New York, New York.
     A Woman's Rule of Thumb: If it has tires or testicles, you're going to 
     have trouble with it.
     ----Women's restroom, Dick's Last Resort. Dallas, Texas.
     JESUS SAVES! But wouldn't it be better if he had invested? ----Men's 
     restroom, American University. Washington, D.C.
     If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress? 
     ---Men's restroom, House of Representatives. Washington, D.C.

It's Great To Be A Guy
1. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
2. Movie nudity is virtually always female.
3. You know stuff about tanks.
4. A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
5. Monday Night Football.
6. You don't have to monitor your friends sex lives.
7. Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
8. You can open all your own jars.
9. Old friends don't give you crap if you've lost or gained weight.
10. Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
11. When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on
    every shot of someone crying.
12. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
13. All your orgasms are real.
14. A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
15. Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
16. You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere
    you go.
17. You understand why Stripes is funny.
18. You can go to the bathroom with out a support group.
19. Your last name stays put.
20. You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
21. When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that
    everyone secretly hates you.
22. You can kill your own food.
23. The garage is all yours.
24. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
25. You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
26. Nobody secretly wonders whether you swallow.
27. You never have to clean the toilet.
28. You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
29. Sex means never worrying about your reputation.
30. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
31. If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can
    still be your friend.
32. Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
33. The National College Cheerleading Championship
34. None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
35. You don't have to shave below your neck.
36. You don't have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.
37. If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
38. You can write your name in the snow.
39. You can get into a nontrivial pissing contest.
40. Everything on your face stays its original color.
41. Chocolate is just another snack.
42. You can be president.
43. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
44. Flowers fix everything.
45. You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
46. You get to think about sex 90% of your waking hours.
47. You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
48. Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
49. You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
50. You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
51. Foreplay is optional.
52. Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
53. Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the
54. You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
55. You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is
    coming by.
56. You never feel compelled to stop a pal from getting laid.
57. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
58. You don't give a rat's ass if someone notices your new haircut.
59. You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours
    without even thinking (He must be mad at me)
60. The world is your urinal.
61. You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover
    is about to leave you.
62. You get to jump up and slap stuff.
63. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
64. One mood, all the time.
65. You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself  to
    look like him.
66. You never have to drive to another gas station because this
    one's just too skeevy.
67. You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
68. You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are
69. Same work....more pay.
70. Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
71. You don't have to leave the room to make an emergency crotch
72. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
73. You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your
74. With 400 million sperm per shot, you could double the earth's
    population in 15 tries, at least in theory.
75. You don't mooch off others' desserts.
76. If you retain water, it's in a canteen.
77. The remote is yours and yours alone.
78. People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
79. ESPN's Sports Center.
80. You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
81. Bachelor parties whomp ass over bridal showers.
82. You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
83. You can buy condoms without the shopkeeper imagining you naked.
84. You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the
85. If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't
    tell your friends you've changed.
86. Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
87. You can rationalize any behavior with the handy phrase  "F*#k
88. If an other guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you
    might become lifelong buddies.
89. Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
90. The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
91. You never have to miss a sexual opportunity because you're not
    in the mood.
92. You think the idea of punting a small dog is funny.
93. If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a
    hammer and throw it across the room.
94. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
95. Porn movies are designed with your mind in mind.
96. You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and
97. Not liking a person does not preclude having great sex with
98. Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So...notice
    anything different?"
99. Baywatch
100. There is always a game on somewhere.


90s humor in America: 
"I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans
were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting 
in the head to stop your headache."-Jack Mayberry 
"I have six locks on my door all in a row.  When I go out, I lock every
other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking 
the locks, they are always locking three."-Elayne Boosler
"I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm  always putting a hit out on 
myself." --Judy Tenuta
"Ever wonder if illiterate people get the  full effect of alphabet soup?" 
-John Mendoza
"Relationships are hard. It's like a  full-time job, and we should 
treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend  wants to leave you,
they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be  severance pay, and 
before they leave you, they should have to find you a  temp."-Bob Ettinger
"I don't know what's wrong with my  television set. I was getting C-Span
and the Home Shopping Network on the same  station. I actually bought a
congressman." --Bruce Baum
"I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to  use
language that makes him the dominant species  on the planet. That may 
be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals.
We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners." Jeff Stilson 
"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's
how dogs spend their lives."-Sue Murphy 
"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is 
suffering from some form of mental illness.  Think of your three best 
friends. If they are okay, then it's you."-Rita Mae Brown
"Now they show you how detergents take out  bloodstains, a pretty 
violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt  with a 
bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.  Maybe 
you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld 
"I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always 
say because it's such a beautiful animal. There  you go. I think my 
mother is attractive, but I have photographs of  her."-Ellen DeGeneres 
"USA Today has come out with a new survey:  Apparently three out of 
four people make up 75 percent of the population."-David Letterman 
"A lady came up to me on the street and  pointed at my suede jacket. 
'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?'  she sneered. I replied in
a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have
to kill you too."-Jake Johansen
"I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific."
Lily Tomlin
"The Swiss have an interesting army. Five hundred years without a  war.
Pretty impressive. Also pretty lucky for  them. Ever see that little Swiss
Army knife they have to fight with? Not much of a weapon there. 
Corkscrews. Bottle openers. 'Come on, buddy, let's go. You get past me,
the guy in back of me, he's got a spoon. Back off. I've got the toe 
clippers right here.' "-Jerry Seinfeld
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through 
my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God....I could be eating a slow 
learner." Lynda Montgomery
"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." Paul 

Just in case you think you are TC (technologically challenged).  The
following is an excerpt taken from a "Wall Street Journal" article:
1.  Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to
    "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the
    "Any" key is.
2.  AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard
    to control with the dust cover on.  The cover turned out to be the
    plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3.  Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
    the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old
    diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to
    diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer had labeled the
    diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.
4.  Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
    diskettes.  A few days later a letter arrived from the customer
    along with photocopies of the floppies.
5.  A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
    in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold
    on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the
    room to close the door to his room.
6.  Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to
    fax anything.  After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician
    discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it
    in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.
7.  Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no
    longer worked.  He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap
    and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the
    keys and washing them individually.
8.  A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
    because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The
    tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid"
    responses shouldn't be taken personally.
9.  A confused caller to IBM was having troubles printing documents. He
    told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find
    printer". The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face
    the printer - but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.
10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her
    new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged
    in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power
    button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and
    nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's
11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
    computer wouldn't work.  She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
    in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
    When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
    asked "What  power switch?"
12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
    Caller:  "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
    Tech:    "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"
    Caller:  "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my
              warranty period.  How do I go about getting that fixed?"
    Tech:    "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"
    Caller:  "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."
    Tech:    "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, It's because I am.
              Did you receive this as part of a promotional, at a trade
              show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any
              trademark on it?"
    Caller:  "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a
             promotional.  It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't
stand it. He was laughing too hard.  The caller had been using the load
drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
13.  Another IBM customer had troubles installing software and rang for
     support. "I put in the first disk, and that was OK.  It said to put
     in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk.  When it
     said  to put in the third disk - I couldn't even fit it in..."
The user hadn't realized that "Insert Disk 2" meant to remove Disk 1
14.  In a similar incident, a customer had followed the instructions for
     installing software.  The instructions said to remove the disk from
     it's cover and insert into the drive.  The user had physically
     removed  the casing of the disk and wondered why there were problems.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window! -
Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? - George Carlin
You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneres
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. - Rita Rudner
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I grew hair
under my arms instead. - Sue Kolinsky
I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain. - Carol
I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you
must eat it with naked fat people. - Ed Bluestone
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By the second
day you're off it. - Jackie Gleason
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."  The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some fries with that?" - Jay
I dated this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:  "I
wanna know your name..." - Mike Binder
Advertising:  The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it. - Stephen Leacock
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be
caught dead in otherwise. - Roger Simon
You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough. - Pearl Williams
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets. -
Dave Edison
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight. - George Gobel
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.  Next
morning buy it back for seventy-five cents. - Billiam Coronel
At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the
computer industry with the auto industry and stated " If GM had kept up
with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving
twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000mi/gal."
Recently General Motors addressed this comment by releasing the statement
"Yes, but would you want your car to crash twice a day?"
 1. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy 
a new car.
2. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you
would just accept this, restart and drive on.
3. Occasionally, executing a maneuver would cause your car to stop and 
fail and you would have to reinstall the engine. For some  strange reason, you
would accept this too.
4. You could only have one person in the car at a time, unless you  bought
"Car95" or "CarNT". But, then you would have to buy more seats.
5. Apple would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable,
five times as fast, twice as easy to drive, but would only run  on 5% of
the roads.
6. The Macintosh car owners would get expensive Microsoft upgrades to 
their cars, which would make their cars run much slower.
7. The oil, gas and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a 
single "general fault" warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butts.
9. The airbag system would say "are you sure?" before going off.
10. If you were involved in a crash, you would have no idea what happened.

The Number 1 Rejected Children's Book... 
"Furious George Delivers the Mail"
The Number 1 Top 15 Bad Romance Novel Opening Line...  
"Omaha Beach, 0800 Hours: reinforcements from 2nd Panzer 
Korps arrive, their well-muscled young torsos glistening 
with man-dew."  
The Number 1 Fatal Thing to Say to Your Pregnant Wife... 
"You don't have the guts to pull the trigger, Lardass." 
The Number 1 Rejected Breakfast Cereal Idea...
CaCa Puffs
The Number 1 Sign You've Gone to the Wrong Tattoo Parlor... 
Your "Jesus on the Cross" constantly mistaken for 
   "Gabe Kaplan Playing Golf." 
The Number 1 Sign You've Hired the Wrong Clown for Your 
   Child's Party... 
All the balloon animals are ribbed and lubricated. 
The Number 1 Indication You Won't Win Olympic Gold... 
Your competitor is referred to as "America's Sweetheart."  
You're referred to as "That little slut from Trenton." 
The Number 1 Failed Celebrity Endorsement Idea...
The Stevie Wonderbra
The Number 1 Sign You Have Nothing to Do at Work ... 
The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin 
Infantry and General White-Out has called for a new skirmish. 
The Number 1 Sign Your Mate is Cheating on You... 
Amy Fisher shoots you in the head. 

The following are actual statements found on insurance forms where car
drivers attempted to summarize the details of an accident in the fewest
words.  These instances of faulty writing serve to confirm that even
incompetent writing can be highly entertaining.
*Coming home i drove into the wrong house and collided with the tree I
don't have. 
*The other car collided with mine without giving warning of it's
*I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way.
*A truck backed through my windshield and into my wife's face.
*A pedestrian hit me and went under my car.
*The guy was all over the road.  I had to swerve a number of times before
I hit him. 
*I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and
headed over the embankment. 
*In my attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole.
*I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home.  As I
reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did
not see the other car.
*I had been driving for 40 years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had
an accident.
*I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal
joint gave way causing me to have an accident.
*As I approached the intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place
where no stop sign had ever appeared before.  I was unable to stop in time
to avoid the accident. 
*To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front i struck the
*My car was legally parked as it backed into the other vehicle.
*An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished.
*I told the police I was not injured but upon removing my hat I found that
I had a fractured skull. 
*I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the
road when I struck him.
*The pedestrian had no idea which direction to run so I ran over him.
*I saw a slow moving sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the hood of
my car. 
*The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a
big mouth. 
*I was thrown from my car as it left the road. I was later found in a
ditch by some stray cows.
*The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of its
was when it struck my front end.


{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }