Joke collection nr. 5
 by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all 
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them 
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends. 
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all." 
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
It is once again time to vote for the Darwin Award nominees for 1997. As
you know these nominees will not be contributing to the gene pool
You may recall last year's Darwin Award winner: The man who found out
moments before making a 300 MPH dent in an Arizona cliff that the JATO
(jet assist take off) unit he'd strapped to his car could not be turned
off once it was turned on. And 1995's winner was the fellow who was
killed by a Coke machine which toppled on top of him as he was
attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
The 1997 nominees are:
NOMINEE #1 [San Jose Mercury News]
An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.
NOMINEE #2 [Kalamazoo Gazette]
James Burns, 34, of Alamo, Mich., was killed in March as he was trying
to repair what police described as a "farm-type truck." Burns got a
friend to drive the truck on a highway while Burns hung underneath so
that he could ascertain the source of a troubling noise. Burns' clothes
caught on something, however, and the other man found Burns "wrapped in
the drive shaft."
NOMINEE #3 [Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death. A man cleaning a bird feeder
on his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb
slipped and fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday.
Stefan Macko, 55, was standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the
accident occurred, said Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional
police. "It appears the chair moved and he went over the balcony," Honer
said. "It's one of those freak accidents. No foul play is suspected."
NOMINEE #4 [Hickory Daily Record]
Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December
in Newton, N.C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone
beside his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith &
Wesson .38 Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.
NOMINEE #5 [UPI, Toronto]
Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged
24 floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into
the courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as
he was explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law
students. Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength
according to police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm
Holden Day Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was "one of
the best and brightest" members of the 200-man association.
NOMINEE #6 [AP, Cairo, Egypt]
Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had
fallen into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the
first to descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an
undercurrent in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and
two brothers, none of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help
him, but also drowned. Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they
apparently were pulled by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six
were later pulled out of the well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240
miles south of Cairo. The chicken was also pulled out. It survived.
NOMINEE #7 [Bloomburg News Service, 25 March]
A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed for the
death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on his
body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His
diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple of other
things). It was just the right combination of foods. It appears that the
man died in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was
hanging over his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows been
opened, it wouldn't have been fatal. But the man was shut up in his near
airtight bedroom. He was "...a big man with a huge capacity for creating
[this deadly gas]." Three of the rescuers got sick and one was
NOMINEE #9 [San Jose Mercury News]
A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana,
Fla., in March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of
Interstate 95 in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man
was traveling at 80 MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found
open and clutched to his chest, had been busy reading.
NOMINEE #10 [The News of the weird.] JOINT NOMINEE
Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird posthumously in 1989. He
had spent several years awaiting South Carolina's electric chair on a
murder conviction before having his sentence reduced to life in prison.
In March 1989, sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to
fix his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
On Jan. 1, 1997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer once on death
row, but later serving a life sentence at the state prison in
Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his homemade earphones as he
watched his small TV while sitting on his metal toilet.
NOMINEE #11["The Indianapolis Star"].
Cigarette lighter may have triggered fatal explosion Dunkirk, Indiana. A
Jay County man using a cigarette lighter to check the barrel of a
muzzleloader was killed Monday night when the weapon discharged in his
face, sheriff's investigators said. Gregory David Pryor, 19, died in his
parents' rural Dunkirk home about 11:30 p.m. Investigators said Pryor
was cleaning a .54-caliber muzzleloader that had not been firing
properly. He was using the lighter to look into the barrel when the
gunpowder ignited.
NOMINEE #12 [AP, Mammoth Lakes, CA.]
A San Anselmo man died yesterday when he hit a lift tower at the Mammoth
Mountain ski area while riding down the slope on a foam pad, authorities
said. Matthew David Hubal, 22, was pronounced dead at Centinela Mammoth
Hospital. The accident occurred about 3 a.m., the Mono County Sheriff's
Department said. Hubal and his friends apparently had hiked up a ski run
called Stump Alley and undid some yellow foam protectors from the lift
towers, said Lieutenant Mike Donnelly of the Mammoth Lakes Police
Department. The pads are used to protect skiers who might hit the
towers. The group apparently used the pads to slide down the ski slope
and Hubal crashed into a tower. It was not clear if the tower he hit was
one with its pad removed. "With the cold temperatures, the snow was
probably pretty fast," said Donnelly.
NOMINEE #13 [Reuters, Warsaw, Poland]
A poacher electrocuting fish in a lake in central Poland fell into the
water and suffered the same fate as his quarry, police said Thursday.
The 24-year- old man was one of four who went fishing with a cable, one
end of which they attached to a net and the other to a high-voltage
electricity supply line, the PAP news agency quoted a police official in
Wloclawek as saying. "For a while everything went according to the
poachers' plan and they had fish in their bags. But at a certain moment
the man holding the net tripped and fell into the water," the agency
said. The other poachers tried in vain to revive him, it said.
NOMINEE #14 [AP, St. Louis]
Robert Puelo, 32, was apparently being disorderly in a St. Louis market.
When the clerk threatened to call police, Puelo grabbed a hot dog,
shoved it in his mouth, and walked out without paying for it. Police
found him unconscious in front of the store: paramedics removed the
six-inch wiener from his throat, where it had choked him to death.
NOMINEE 15 [Unknown]
To poacher Marino Malerba, who shot a stag standing above him on an
overhanging rock -- and was killed instantly when it fell on him.
NOMINEE 16 [Associated Press, Kincaid, W. VA]
Blasting Cap Explodes in Man's Mouth at Party. A man at a party popped a
blasting cap into his mouth and bit down, triggering an explosion that
blew off his lips, teeth and tongue, state police said Wednesday. Jerry
Stromyer, 24, of Kincaid, bit the blasting cap as a prank during a party
late Tuesday night, said Cpl. M.D.Payne. `Another man had it in an
aquarium, hooked to a battery, and was trying to explode it,'' Payne
said. ``It wouldn't go off and this guy said, "I'll show you how to set
it off. `I just can't imagine anyone doing something like that,'' Payne
AND FINALLY, NOMINEE #17 In December near Mineral Wells, Tex.,
three men who were attempting to steal copper wire off live electrical 
for resale were electrocuted. Copper wiring is a valuable scrap metal in
Texas but is usually stolen from electric cables that are not being
A new university was being set up in old Moogoowoowoo's village. He 
looked at his chickens and ox, and thought that though he had been a 
farmer for all of his long life, it was time for a career change. So he 
put on his best rags, and went to the new university. He went up to a 
clerk at a big table, and announced, "I am old Moogoowoowoo, and I would 
like to learn something at this new university in my village!"
  "Fine!" said the clerk. "This university is for anyone who would like 
to learn, regardless of age. Now, in which branch would you like to 
   "No!no!no!" cried Moogoowoowoo shaking his walking stick, "I want a 
desk like everyone else!"
Three old women were at tea. The first one said, "It's awful! My hearing! 
It's gone! I can't hear anymore!" 
   The second one said, "Oh! well, my sight is waning! I can't see 
   And the third one said, "Well, thank goodness nothing's wrong with me! 
I'm still healthy and fit as a fiddle!" and she knocked three times on 
the table. "Oh! I'll go see who that is."
                          A Priest & Nun
 A priest and a nun are returning to their church after a long journey
when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and 
appears that they will have to spend the night in a hotel. However, the 
hotel nearby has got just one room available. So the priest says to the 
"Sister, I don't think the Lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we
spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you 
the bed."
 The nun says that that is all right with her and so they prepare for
bed and take their agreed positions in the room.
 After about ten minutes the nun says to the priest, "Father, I'm
terribly cold."
 The priest replies, "Don't worry Sister, I'll get up and get you a
blanket from the cupboard." This he does and then returns to the sofa.
 A further ten minutes pass and the nun says to the priest, "Father,
I'm still terribly cold. The priest replies, "Don't worry Sister, I'll 
get you another blanket from the cupboard." He gets up, gets the nun a 
blanket and returns to the sofa.
 A further ten minutes pass until the nun says to the priest, "Father,
I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we act as 
man and
wife just for this one night."
 The priest replies, "You're probably right. Get up and get your own
damn blanket."
BEIJING, March 15 (Reuters) - It is the size of a pager, fits in a man's
underwear and emits electronic pulses - and it is a new male contraceptive
developed in China.
The device patented by a researcher in the central city of Xi'an emits
sperm-killing pulses that can render a man sterile for up to a month, the
official Xinhua news agency said on Sunday.
"The gadget can be placed in the user's underwear, where it transmits
pulses into the body to autonomic nerves which change the sperm's 
habitat," Xinhua said.
Turning the device on the target area for one hour was enough to cause
sterility for one month, it quoted inventor Yang Xiyong as saying. Full
fertility would return two months after ceasing to use the contraption, 
the agency said.
The device would hit store shelves soon, and Xinhua hinted marketers may 
beeyeing overseas buyers. It "tends to be easily accepted by men of various
cultural backgrounds," the agency said.
(C) Reuters Limited 1998.
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil 
spill in Alaska was $80,000.  At a special ceremony, two of the most 
expensively saved animals were released back into the wild amid cheers 
and applause from onlookers.  A minute later they were both eaten by a 
killer whale. 
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen, shaking 
frantically with what looked like a wire running from his waist towards 
the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current 
she whacked him with a handy plank of wood by the back door, breaking 
his arm in two places. He had been listening to his walkman. 
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending 
pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of 
them, escaped  through a broken fence and stampeded,  trampling the two 
hapless protesters to death. 
And the last & best....... 
Iraqi terrorist, Khay Rahnajet, didn't pay enough postage on a letter 
bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. You guessed 
it,  he opened it and said a fond farewell to his face. 
So which condom would you use....?
      Nike Condoms:  Just do it.
      Toyota Condoms:  Oh what a feeling.
      Diet Pepsi Condoms:  You got the right one, baby.
      Pringles Condoms:  Once you pop, you can't stop.
      Mentos Condoms:  The freshmaker.
      Flintstones Vitamins Condom Pack:  Ten million strong and growing.
      Secret Condoms:  Strong enough for a man, but pH balanced for a 
      Macintosh Condom:  It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
      Ford Condoms:  The best never rest.
      Chevy Condoms:  Like a rock.
      Dial Condoms:  Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody 
      New York Lotto Condoms:  Cause hey - you never know.
      California Lotto Condoms:  Who's next?
      Avis Condoms:  Trying harder than ever.
      KFC Condoms:  Finger-Licking Good.
      Coca Cola Condoms:  Always the Real Thing.
      Lays Condoms:  Betcha can't have just one.
      Campbell's Soup Condoms:  Mmm, mmm, good.
      General Electric Condoms:  We bring good things to life!
      AT&T Condoms:  Reach out and touch someone.
      Bounty Condoms:  The quicker picker upper.
      Microsoft Condoms: Where do you want to go today ?
      Energizer Condoms:  It keeps going and going and going....
      M&M condom:  It melts in your mouth, not in your hands!
      Taco Bell Condoms:  Get some; make a run for the border.
      MCI Condoms:  For friends and family
      Doublemint Condoms:  Double your pleasure, double your fun!
      The Sears latex condom:  One coat is good for the entire winter.
      Delta Airlines Condoms travel pack:  Delta is ready when you are.
      United Airlines Condoms travel pack:  Fly United.
      The Star Trek Condom:  To Boldly Go Where No Man Has Gone Before.
The Geopolitics of Desire
     What's the real coast of free sex in Asia?
     John Winzenburg
     Special to Utne Reader
           A comic strip in one of Tokyo's English-language
           newspapers summed it up perfectly. On the left, a
           "before" portrait of Joe American making $9,000 a year
           as a lonely street sweeper in Podunk, Indiana. On the
           right, an "after" shot of the same Joe earning $36,000 as
           a love-laden English teacher with a harem of Japanese
           women at his feet in Tokyo. The caption under the
           portrait simply read: "Go east, young man."
           Hordes of male American college grads have heeded the
           call and set up camp in East Asia over the past decade.
           Indeed, an entire subculture of twentysomething
           Americans has evolved in urban centers like Tokyo,
           Shanghai, and Hong Kong. Some are still drawn by
           quixotic visions of spiritual enlightenment in a wise,
           hospitable Asia. Far more are caught by the more recent
           allure of striking it rich in the new land of opportunity.
           Few, however, go prepared to deal with the culture
           shock that awaits them: The rapid breakdown of tradition
           in Asia's modern, boom-town landscape has left a moral
           vacuum where few rules remain. As a result, the reality
           for most of these Americans is an Asian experience
           dominated by the ultimate cross-cultural tremor: sex.
           Just call it the Oriental Girl Fixation Syndrome. An
           offensively garish title, perhaps, but a concept well known
           to foreign ghetto dwellers throughout East Asia. For the
           American male, it usually begins as an innocent
           tte--tte with a student at the English-language school.
           Soon his pocket calendar is filled with the telephone
           numbers of the local women he has met at nightclubs.
           Gradually, as he swells with illusions of sexual grandeur,
           he starts picking up strangers every chance he gets-- at
           the bus stop, in the bookstore, on the subway. "Western
           men admit that a white guy who looks like Rodney
           Dangerfield could have just about any woman he wants
           here," says Renata Huang, an American journalist living in
           This is a far cry from Madame Butterfly, though, as more
           and more of these men are discovering that there's a
           payback. Beyond the veneer of servitude, their partners
           are having their own fun. Whether it be a disgruntled
           housewife in Seoul or a thrill-seeking coed in Bangkok,
           Asian women are spinning their own webs within the
           foreign network, and promiscuity is running rampant. In
           Taipei, for example, young American professionals joke
           openly about the "blood brother" relationships forged by
           dating in the same circles of Taiwanese women. "This is a
           game of cultural bumper cars," observes Richard Kagan,
           head of the East Asian studies department at Hamline
           University in St. Paul. "These women simply aim for
           somebody, enjoy the moment, and then go off with
           someone else."
           Welcome to the underside of Asia's dramatic economic
           growth. Women across Asia are now well educated and
           empowered as consumers, and sex has become a
           primary channel for them to express their independence.
           And with a foreign partner, there is less need to bother
           with traditional role playing. Kagan, who has watched
           some two dozen of his former students spend prolonged
           periods in Asia in the past decade, regards this as a new
           kind of equality between Asian women and American
           men-- no love, just mutual degradation.
           Not all American men indulge. Dan O'Keefe is one
           former Kagan student who has shunned the dark side of
           foreign ghetto life during his 10 years in Japan. He and his
           American male friends in Tokyo are married to Japanese
           women and have found in their wives a devotion to family
           that has largely evaporated in the United States and is
           beginning to erode in Asia. Forgoing the sexual numbers
           game has given them added staying power in an
           otherwise difficult foreign setting. "I know of few cases
           where the men are able to turn over from the seedy side
           and actually settle down here, " he says.
           Few of the men realize that their sexual exploits
           foreshadow the larger relationship being molded between
           East and West. Coupled with political and economic
           changes that are affecting the balance of power across
           the Pacific, there is evolving a new generation of wealthy
           Asian men and women who in many ways know the
           West better than it knows itself. They are creating an
           eclectic hybrid of Eastern and Western cultures in their
           own countries that will gradually offer an alternative to the
           fading 20th-century model. "As in these sexual
           relationships," says Kagan, "there is an emerging role
           reversal in which the United States and Asia are able to
           use each other on a more equal basis."

A nurse looked up from the counter to see a masked man holding a gun at 
her. "Vault!" he said.
"Sir, we're a hospital, not a--"
She warily moves over to the "vault". "Open!" he masked man barked, 
waving the gun.
"Sir, this is a sperm bank, not a--"  "Open!"
She opens the door and says "See? there's no money in here!"  "Take!"
She takes out a rack of samples. The masked gunman hovers menacingly 
close and orders: "DRINK!"
Frightened, she opens a sample and starts drinking it. The gunman rips 
off his mask and says:
"Marie! my dear wife! You CAN do it!"
 It must be one of those days.....
 Military Performance Ratings
 These are actual lines out of performance appraisal forms for the
 Not the sharpest knife in the drawer. 
 Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching. 
 A room temperature IQ. 
 Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all
 A gross ignoramus--144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. 
 A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on. 
 A prime candidate for natural deselection. 
 Bright as Alaska in December. 
 One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests. 
 Donated his body to science before he was done using it. 
 Fell out of the family tree. 
 Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming. 
 Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it. 
 He's so dense, light bends around him. 
 If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate. 
 If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week. 
 If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change. 
 If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean. 
 It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm. 
 One neuron short of a synapse. 
 Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled. 
 Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby. 
 Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead. 
 Somewhere there's a village with the idiot missing.
SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT:   Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION:  Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.
SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT:   Improper bladder control.
ACTION:  Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.
SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT:   Glass empty.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT:   You have fallen over backward.
ACTION:  Have yourself leashed to bar.
SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT:   You have fallen forward.
ACTION:  See above.
SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT:   Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION:  Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.
SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.
FAULT:   You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION:  Get someone to buy you another beer.
SYMPTOM: Floor moving.
FAULT:   You are being carried out.
ACTION:  Find out if you are being taken to another bar.
SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT:   Bar has closed.
ACTION:  Confirm home address with bartender.
SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT:   Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION:  Cover mouth.
Microsoft vs the Department of Justice....again....
Here's the lighter side of all that
Toddler Property Laws:
1.  If I like it, it's mine.
2.  If it's in my hand it's mine.
3.  If I can take it from you, it's mine.
4.  If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
5.  If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6.  If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
7.  If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
8.  If I think it's mine, it's mine.
9.  If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
10.  If I ...
Whoops! Sorry!  I goofed!  Instead of reading the Toddler Property Laws,
I've been reading Microsoft's Business Plan.
The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration
for the planned Windows 2000:
   1) Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.
   2) Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue.
   3) Press any key to continue or any other key to quit.
   4) Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE!
   5) Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test.
   6) Close your eyes and press escape three times.
   7) Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
   8) This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another
   9) Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)"
 10) This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world.
        Please log off."
 11) To "shut down" your system, type "WIN."
 12) BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding.
 13) COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key.
 14) CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N)
 15) File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
 16) Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N)
 17) Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User.
 18) Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
 19) WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS)
 20) User Error: Replace user.
 21) Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)"
 22) Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due...
 23) If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you
       and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have
 24) Required Government Warning:  After we got caught in cahoots
       with the hardware manufacturers for trying to needlessly fill
       your hard drives, the following message is now required as you
       save your files in Word.
       "Word has detected that you don't wish to save your text file
       as a lumpy and space wasting .doc format filled with potential
       viruses.  Would you like to save your old outdated ascii file
       as a Word file anyway?"
 25) Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles
        have been deleted.  The police are on the way.
A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a 
long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans over to her 
and asks if she would like to play a fun game. 
The blonde just wants to take a nap,so she politely declines 
and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy 
and a lot of fun. He explains "I ask you a question, and if you 
don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa." 
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't 
know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, 
I will pay you $50!"
Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be 
no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth
to the moon?" 
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls
out a five-dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down with four?" 
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all his references. He taps into the Airphone 
with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.
Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows.
All to no avail.  After over an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her
The blonde politely takes the $50 and turns away to get back to sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and
asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" 
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5,
and goes back to sleep.

An airline captain was breaking in a very pretty new blonde
stewardess. The route they were flying had a stay-over in
another city. Upon their arrival the captain showed the
stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop 
and stay overnight.
 The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the
day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He
knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up
wondering what happened to her.
 She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out
of her room.
 "You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why
 The stewardess replied, "There are only three doors in here,"
she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one
has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"  

A blonde wanted to ice fish so she bought a pick and headed out
on the ice and started picking away, when a big booming voice
from above echoed, "There are no fish under that ice."
She moves about 40 feet down the ice and starts chopping again. 
The voice booms down from above a second time, "There are no 
fish under that ice."
The blonde looks up and asks, "God, is that you?"  The voice
replies, "No!  This is the ice rink manager." 

 A Scotsman was shipwrecked and finally washed ashore on a small island.
As he regains consciousness on the beach, he sees a beautiful unclad
nymphet standing over him. She asks, "Would you like some food?"
The Scot hoarsely croaks, "Och, lassie, I havna' ittin a bite in a week
 noo and I am verra hungry!"
 She disappears into the woods and quickly comes back with a heaping
helping of haggis.  When he has choked it down, she asks, "Would you like
something to drink?"
 "Och, aye! That haggis has made me verra hungry and I wad verra much
like a drink!"
 She goes off into the woods again and returns with a bottle of
75-year-old single-malt Scotch whiskey. The Scotsman is beginning to 
that he's in heaven when the unclad nymphet leans closer and says, "Would 
you like to play around?"
"Och, lassie, don't tell me ye've got a golf course here too!"
She was so blonde that:
 - she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said
 - she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her
 - she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK" 
 - she thought 2Pac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
 - she sent me a fax with a stamp on it
 - she thought a quarterback was a refund
 - if you gave her a penny for intelligence, you'd get change back 
 - they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade 
 - under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics"
 - she tripped over a cordless phone
 - at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here".. she  put
 - it takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes
 - if she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless 
 - she studied for a blood test - and failed
 - she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center 
 - she sold the car for gas money
 - when she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and
got 16 friends
 - when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she
 - she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company
 - when she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign  that
  "Airport Left", she turned around and went home.

{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }