Joke collection nr. 12
by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends.
I may have many, but even I don't "get them all." 
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 13 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
Believe it or Not!!!!!!!
Life in the 1500's
*	Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May and were still smelling pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the b.o. 
*	Baths equaled a big tub filled with hot water.  The man of the house
had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and
men, then the women and finally the children.  Last of all the babies. By then
the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the
saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water".
*	Houses had thatched roofs.  Thick straw, piled high, with no  wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm,  so all the
pets... dogs, cats and other small animals, mice, rats, bugs  lived in
the roof.  When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would
slip and fall off the roof.  Hence the saying, "It's  raining cats and dogs."
*	There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could
really mess up your nice clean bed.  So, they found if they made beds
with big posts and hung a sheet over the top, it addressed that problem. Hence
those beautiful big 4 poster beds with canopies.
*	The floor was dirt.  Only the wealthy had something other than
dirt, hence the saying "dirt poor."  
*	The wealthy had slate floors which would get slippery in the winter
when wet. So they spread thresh on the floor to help keep their footing.
As the winter wore on they kept adding more thresh until when you opened the 
door it would all start slipping outside.  A piece of wood was placed at
the entry way, hence a "threshhold".
*	They cooked in the kitchen in a big kettle that always hung  over
the fire. Every  day they lit the fire and added things to the  pot. They
mostly ate vegetables and didn't get much meat.  They would  eat the stew
for dinner leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day.  Sometimes the stew had  food in it that had been in
there for a month.  Hence the rhyme:  peas  porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old."
*	Sometimes they could obtain pork and would feel really special when
that happened. When company came over, they would bring out some bacon
and hang it to show it off.  It was a sign of wealth and that a man "could
really bring home the bacon."  They would cut off a little to share with
guests and would all sit around and "chew the fat."
*	Those with money had plates made of pewter.  Food with a high acid
content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food. This happened
most often with tomatoes, so they stopped eating tomatoes...  for 400 years.
*	Most people didn't have pewter plates, but had trenchers - a  piece
of wood with the middle scooped out like a bowl.  Trenchers  were never
washed and a lot of times worms got into the wood.  After  eating off
wormy trenchers, they would get "trench mouth."
*	Bread was divided according to status.  Workers got the burnt bottom
of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
"upper crust".
*	Lead cups were used to drink ale or whiskey.  The combination would
sometimes knock them out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the
road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.  They were
laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather
around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a "wake".
*	England is old and small, and they started running out of places to
bury people.  So, they would dig up coffins and would take their bones to
a house and re-use the grave.  In reopening these coffins, one out of 25
coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized
they had been burying people alive.  So they thought they would tie a
string on their wrist and lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and
tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all
night to listen for the bell.  Hence on the "graveyard shift" they would know
that someone was "saved by the bell" or he was a "dead ringer."
Signs Of The Times
13 signs that you have had too much of the 90's:
1) You tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2) You now think of three espressos as "getting wasted."
3) You haven't played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
4) You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
5) You e-mail your son in his room to tell him that dinner is ready, and he
   e-mails you back "What's for dinner?"
6) Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
7) You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you
   haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
8) You didn't give your valentine a card this year, but you posted one for
   your e-mail buddies via a web page.
9) Your daughter just bought a CD of all the records your college roommate
   used to play.
10) You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it
    contains Echinacea.
11) You check your blow dryer to see if it's Y2K compliant.
12) Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail Inbox, asking you to send her a
    JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
13) You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if
    anyone is home.
The Cowboy
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. 
Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was. When 
he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen.
He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught 
it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. 
"WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE MY HOSS?" he yelled with surprising force. 
No one answered.
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. He had another beer, walked 
outside, and his horse was back!
He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender left the bar 
and asked meekly, "Say partner, before you go ... what happened in Texas?"
The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Subject: Questions

A man wondered if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin.
The reason is because he is not sure if sex is work or play.

So he goes to a priest. He asks for the priest's opinion.
After consulting the Bible, the priest says,
"My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work
and is therefore not permitted on the Sabbath."
The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex?"

So, he decides to ask a minister.
The minister gives the same reply as the priest had given him.
Sex is work, and therefore not permitted on the Sabbath.

Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi.
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states,
"My son, sex is definitely play."
The man asks, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure
when so many others are convinced that sex is work?"
The Rabbi replies, "If sex were work,
my wife would have the maid do it."


A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast; bacon, eggs, 
perhaps a slice of toast? Grapefruit with coffee to follow? He declines. 
"It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made
soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a
glass of milk? He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really 
taken the edge off my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She'll go to the
café and buy him a burger. Maybe a steak and cheese pie? Pizza? Or a tasty
stir fry that would only take a couple of minutes?

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "it's really taken the edge off my 

"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

do you know that viagra is covered by insurance companies but prenatal 
vitamins are not? Nor the Pill!!  Boohiss. Boycott Viagra.


Three blonde men are stranded on one side of a wide river, and don't know
how to get across.

The first man prays to god to make him smart enough to figure out how to
cross the river, so god turns him into a brown-haired man and he swims

The second man prays to god to make him even smarter, so god turns him 
into a jet-haired man and he builds a boat and rows across.

Then the third man prays to god to make him the smartest of all, so god
turns him into a woman and she walks across the bridge.

I know it's stupid. Sorry.


A man is flying a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces
height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and
shouts, "Excuse me. Can you help me? I promised my friend I would
meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says,  "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering
approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42
degrees N. Latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude".

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically
correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the
fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager."  "I am," replies the
balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man below, "you don't know where you are, or where you
are going, You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep,
and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in exactly
the same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my

Real life!

Actual headlines from newspapers around the world:

Include your Children when Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?
Stud Tires Out
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again
Eye Drops Off Shelf
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim
Shot Off Woman's Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
Stolen Painting Found by Tree
Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in 84
War Dims Hope for Peace
If Strike isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing
Air Head Fired
Steals Clock, Faces Time
Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff
Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni
Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board
Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors
Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training


Psychiatric Christmas Carols

SCHIZOPHRENIA: Do you Hear What I Hear?


DEMENTIA: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

NARCISSISTIC: Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me

MANIC: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores
and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire
Hydrants and.......

PARANOID: Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.

PERSONALITY DISORDER: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonn Cry, I'm Gonna Pout,
Maybe I'll Tell You Why.

DEPRESSION: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.

OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell
Rock, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
....(oops, better start again)

PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love
Gave to Me (and Then Took it All Away).

BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.


The bartender was washing his glasses, and an elderly Irishman came 
in and with great difficulty, hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, 
pulled himself up painfully, asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. 
The Irishman looked down the bar and said, "Is that Jesus down there?" 
The bartender nodded and the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish 
whiskey also.

The next patron was an ailing Italian with a hunched back and 
slowness of movement. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for 
a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was 
Jesus sitting down there.
The bartender nodded and the Italian said to give Him a glass of 
Chianti, also.

The third patron, a redneck, swaggered in dragging his knuckles on the 
floor and hollered. "Barkeep, set me up a cold one. Hey, is that God's 
Boy down there?" The barkeep nodded, and the redneck told him to give 
Jesus a cold one too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched
him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed!" The Irishman felt the
strength come back to his leg, and he got up and danced a jig to the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said, "For your kindness you are healed!" 
The Italian felt his back straighten and he raised his hands above his
head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, and the redneck jumped back and exclaimed,
"Don't touch me, I'm drawin' disability!"


A very old man goes to his doctor for an annual exam. He's
accompanied by his wife. When they get there, the doctor says
"I need three things from you. A urine sample, a stool sample,
and a sperm sample".

The old man, being very hard of hearing, yells at his wife
"What did he say? What does he want"?

His wife yelled back "He said he needs your underwear!"



1. He had dropped his job
2. He had always trubbles with all those in authority
3. He suffered from "paranoia grandiosos"

1. He went into his father's business
2. He lived at home until the age of 33
3. He was sure his mother was a virgin, and his mother was sure he
was God

1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job
3. His last request was a drink

1. He knew everything about how everybody else should live their lives
2. He thought he was perfect, and yet he took the blame for everything
in the world
3. His good connexions did'nt help, when he needed it

1. He did'nt smoke
2. He claimed, that water is as good as wine,  you just have to believe
3. His being together with the hookers was pure good fellowship

1. His first name was Jesus
2. He was always in trouble with the law
3. His mother did not know who his father was

1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He worked in the building trades

1. He called everybody brother
2. He had no permanent address
3. Nobody would hire him

1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot
3. He invented a new religion


In a city park stood two statues, one female and the other male. These two
statues faced each other for many years. Early one morning an angel appeared
before the statues and said, "Since the two of you have been exemplary
statues and have brought enjoyment to many people, I am giving you your
greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to 
do whatever you desire."  And with that command, the statues came to life. 
The two statues smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove
behind a couple of bushes. The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the
two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. 
After fifteen minutes, the two statues emerged from the bushes, satisfied
and smiling. Puzzled, the angel looked at his watch and asked the statues,
"You still have fifteen minutes. Would you like to continue?" 
The male statue looked at the female and asked, "Do you want to do it again?" 
Smiling, the female statue said, "Sure, but this time YOU hold the pigeon
down and I'LL shit on it's head!" 



(From the Partnership for a Bread-Free America)

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households
score below average on standardized tests.

3. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that
as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The
average American eats more bread than that in one month!

4. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and
given only water begged for bread after as little as two days.

6. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder"
items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

7. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home,
the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates
were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as
typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

8. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours
of eating bread.

9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That
kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

10. Many bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between
significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Reber Boult - NORML lawyer based in Albuquerque, NM


A small, but growing, segment of society no longer believes that woman
was created from one of Adam's ribs. They feel their account of life's
beginning on earth is more plausible.

And God created Woman, giving her three breasts to nurse her young. 
And God spoke, saying to her, "I have created thee as I see fit, but mine
is no longer the only opinion in the universe (Sigh).  Is there anything
about thee that thou would prefer differently?

And Woman spoke, saying, "Lord, I am not made to birth whole litters;
I do not need but two breasts."

And God said, "Thou speak wisely, as I have created thee with wisdom."

There was a bolt of lightning, and it was done, and Woman stood there
holding her third breast in her hand. "What am I gonna do with this
useless boob?" Woman asked.

And so it was, God created man.


It is so refreshing that the Republican party has found a worthy successor
to Dan Quayle.  I feel so much better about who will be president in

You can request to get the Bushisms update from Slate magazine. Ain't it
-The Complete Bushisms
Updated weekly.

"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those
college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me
because I happened to go to the university."
-Today, Feb. 23, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."
-New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have-he can't have it
both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road."
-To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the
organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my
behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled."
-To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

"I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus
16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches,
getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to
-Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

"I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it
occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists."

"If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and
principles, come and join this campaign."
-Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply
suckles kids through?"
-Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., 
Feb. 16, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher."
-South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to attract
votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get subscribed
to some-some doctrine gets subscribed to me."
-Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less-I pontificate less,
although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more
interacting with people."

"I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class,
I think we should knock down the tollbooth."
-Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins in the New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my
-Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30,

"Will the highways on the Internet become more few?"
-Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000

"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do
when you run for president. You gotta preserve."
-Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. 
As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
-Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they
basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I
think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody
else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position.'
'-Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000 
(Thanks to Toni L. Gould.)

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who
they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was.
Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're
-Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused
on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women,
women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who
will not stain the house."
-Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world.  It's a world of madmen and uncertainty
and potential mential losses."
-At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

"We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you
like to be liked yourself."

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure."

"There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be
town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge
-Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

"I read the newspaper."
-In answer to a question about his reading habits,
New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

"I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to
be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of
wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we
ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is
proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know,
hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked."
-Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999

"The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of
the country. Within months, I knew many of them."
-From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

"It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his
party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents."
-Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"
-Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New
York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating
it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember."
-On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, 
Washington Post, July 27, 1999

"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from
your foreign minister, who came to Texas."
-To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. 
Bush's meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

"If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a
-Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

"Keep good relations with the Grecians."
-Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

"Kosovians can move back in."
-CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then."
-From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio


                HOW TO BATHE THE CAT

Thoroughly clean the toilet.

Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and have both 
lids raised to open position.

Obtain the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids 
,(you may need to stand on the lid so that he cannot escape).  CAUTION: Do not 
get any part of your body too close to the edge, as his claws will be 
reaching out for any purchase they can find.

Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a ''power wash and 
rinse'' which I have found to be quite effective.

Have someone open the nearest door to the yard and ensure that there are 
no people between the toilet and this door.  Also, be sure that any 
hallway doors are FULLY opened.

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids!

The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet and run outside, where he 
will dry himself.


               The DOG


So, you think you're cold?

Subject: Degrees Of Cold
  ( \
   \ \                           "Cold" is a relative term.
   / /                 /\
  / /     .-`````-.   / ^`-.     Use the handy list below to
  \ \    /         \_/  {|} `o   overcome the confusion.
   \ \  /   .---.   \\ _  ,--'
    \ \/   /     \,  \( `^^^
     \   \/\      (\  )
      \   ) \     ) \ \
       ) /__ \__  ) (\ \___

  Degrees (Fahrenheit)

    65 Hawaiians declare a two-blanket night
    60 Californians put on sweaters (if they can find one)
    50 Miami residents turn on the heat
    45 Vermont residents go to outdoor concerts
    40 You can see your breath
       Californians shiver uncontrollably
       Minnesotans go swimming
    35 Italian cars don't start
    32 Water freezes
    30 You plan your vacation to Australia
    25 Ohio water freezes
       Californians weep pitiably
       Minnesotans eat ice cream
       Canadians go swimming
    20 Politicians begin to talk about the homeless
       New York City water freezes
       Miami residents plan vacation further South
    15 French cars don't start
       Cat insists on sleeping in your bed with you
    10 You need jumper cables to get the car going
     5 American cars don't start
     0 Alaskans put on T-shirts
   -10 German cars don't start
       Eyes freeze shut when you blink
   -15 You can cut your breath and use it to build an igloo
       Arkansans stick tongue on metal objects
       Miami residents cease to exist
   -20 Cat insists on sleeping in pajamas with you
       Politicians actually do something about the homeless
       Minnesotans shovel snow off roof
       Japanese cars don't start
   -25 Too cold to think
       You need jumper cables to get the driver going
   -30 You plan a two week hot bath
       Swedish cars don't start
   -40 Californians disappear
       Minnesotans button top button
       Canadians put on sweaters
       Your car helps you plan your trip South
   -50 Congressional hot air freezes
       Alaskans close the bathroom window
   -80 Hell freezes over
       Polar bears move South
       Viking Fans order hot cocoa at the game
   -90 Lawyers put their hands in their own pockets


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