Joke collection nr. 13
by Jacob Holdt

Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends.
I may have many, but even I don't "get them all." 
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 }
{ Back to the worst joke: American Pictures or my English or Danish homepage }
Dear Mother and Dad:

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss 
in writing this and I am very sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having 
written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, 

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull  fracture and the 
concussion I got when I jumped out of the window of my dormitory when it caught 
fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those 
sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an 
attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called 
the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital 
and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he 
was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It's really 
a basement room, but it's kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have 
fallen deeply in love and are planning to be married. We haven't set the 
exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward 
to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the 
love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a chld. The reason for 
the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection 
which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly 
caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections 
I am taking daily.
I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and 
although not well educated, he is ambitious. I am sure you will love him 
as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father 
is an important gun-bearer in his village.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell you that there was 
no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was 
not in the hospital,  I am not pregnant, I am  not engaged. I do not have 
a disease and there is no man in my life. However, I am getting a 'D' in 
History and an 'F' in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the 
proper perspective.


Your Loving Daughter


An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in 
Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there 
the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a 
quick e-mail.Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her 
e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.  Unfortunately, 
he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's 
wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow 
checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, 
and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and 
saw this note on the screen:
"Dearest Wife, Just got checked in.
Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband. 
PS: Sure is hot down here."


Why is President Clinton so reluctant to decide the fate of Elian Gonzalez?

Because the last time he made a decision about where to put a Cuban
he was almost impeached.


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory
equipment.  A spokesperson was quoted as saying,  "We have absolutely
nothing to go on."

An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine
man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin
strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, 
chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the 
medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged 
and said,"The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid
bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed 
in a fire.  Thus  we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.

A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I  think
I'm shrinking!"  The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down.  You'll
just have to be a little patient."

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One
day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some 
On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road.  Afraid to wake 
them, he gingerly stepped over them.  Immediately, he was arrested and charged 
with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies
with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a
particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation.  When the
anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and
said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to
produce other products and, since they already made the cases for
pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling 
It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their 
compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico 
rather than California.  This, of course, is the origin of the 
expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his
name missing from the town register.  His wife insisted on complaining to
the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have 
taken Leif off my census."

There were three Indian squaws.  One slept on a deer skin.  One slept
on an elk skin and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin.  All three 
became pregnant and the first two each had a baby boy.  
The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys.  
This goes to prove that the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to 
the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.


In light of the rising frequency of human/grizzly bear conflicts, the
Montana Department of Fish & Game is advising hikers, hunters, and
fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert for bears while in
the field. 

"We advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so
as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. We also advise
outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with 
a bear." It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear 

Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and
grizzly bear droppings. Black bear poop is smaller and contains lots of 
berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear poop has little bells in it and smells 
like pepper. 


1970: Long Hair
2000: Longing for hair

1970: The perfect high.
2000: The perfect high yield mutual fund.

1970: Keg.
2000: EKG.

1970: Acid Rock.
2000: Acid Reflux.

1970: Moving to California because it's cool.
2000: Moving to California because it's warm.

1970: Growing pot.
2000: Growing pot belly.

1970: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.
2000: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children.

1970: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
2000: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.

1970: Seeds and stems.
2000: Roughage.

1970: Popping pills, smoking joints.
2000: Popping joints.

1970: Our president's struggle with Fidel.
2000: Our president's struggle with fidelity.

1970: Paar.
2000: AARP

1970: Being caught with Hustler magazine.
2000: Being caught with Hustler magazine.

1970: Killer weed.
2000: Weed killer.

1970: Hoping for a BMW.
2000: Hoping for a BM.

1970: The Grateful Dead.
2000: Dr. Kevorkian.

1970: Getting out to a new, hip joint.
2000: Getting a new hip joint.

1970: Rolling Stones.
2000: Kidney stones.

1970: Screw the system!
2000: Upgrade the system.

1970: Peace sign.
2000: Mercedes logo.

1970: Parents begging you to get your hair cut.
2000: Children begging you to get their heads shaved.

1970: Take acid.
2000: Take antacid.

1970: Passing the driver's test.
2000: Passing the vision test.

1970: "Whatever"
2000: "Depends"


{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12 }