by Jacob Holdt
Note: these jokes (uncensored and certainly not all
politically correct) are shown in the order I received them
in emails from good and really "bad" American friends.
I may have many jokes, but even I don't "get them all."
{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }
MORE MEN JOKES
Q. How do you scare a man?
A. Sneak up behind him and start throwing rice.
Q. How is being at a singles bar different from going to the circus?
A. At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.
Q. What food describes most men?
A. Jerky.
Q. Men will brag that there are women waiting by the phone at this very
moment for their call. Who are these women?
A. Women working at 900 numbers.
Q. How is a man like a used car?
A. Both are easy to get, cheap and unreliable.
Q. Where is the best place in a book store to find a man who is
handsome, a
good lover, and a stimulating partner?
A. This has 2 answers, In the pages of a romance novel, or fiction.
Q. What do you do with a man who thinks he's God's gift?
A. Exchange him.
Q. Why is the book "Women Who Love Too Much" a disappointment for many
men?
A. No phone numbers.
Q. What's a man's idea of a perfect date?
A. A woman who answers the door stark naked holding a six pack.
Q. Why do women have more trouble with hemorrhoids than men?
A. Because God made man the perfect asshole.
Q: How are men like noodles?
A: They're always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Q: Why do men like BMWs?
A: They can spell it.
Q: Why are men like popcorn?
A: They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Q: Why are men and spray paint alike?
A: One squeeze and they're all over you.
Q: Why is food better than men?
A: Because you don't have to wait an hour for seconds.
Q: Why do men like frozen microwave dinners so much?
A: They like being able to both eat and make love in under 5 minutes.
Q: Why would women be better off if men treated them like cars?
A: At least then they would get a little attention every 6 months or
50,000
miles, whichever came first.
Q: What is the difference between men and pigs?
A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink.
========
Politically Correct Female Terms
She doesn't get PMS...she is HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have a KILLER BODY...she is TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not a BAD COOK. She is : MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE.
She is not a BAD DRIVER. She is VEHICULARLY CHALLENGED.
She is not a PERFECT 10. She is NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR.
She does not HATE SPORTS ON TV. She is ATHELTICLY BIASED.
She does not have SEXY LIPS. She is COLLAGEN DEPENDANT.
She does not get DRUNK. She gets ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED.
You do not ASK HER TO DANCE. You REQUEST A PRE-COITAL RYTHMIC EXPERIENCE.
She is not a GOSSIP. She is a VERBAL TERMINATOR.
She does not WORK OUT TOO MUCH. She is an ABDOMINAL OVERACHEIVER.
She does not have A GREAT BUTT. She is GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS.
She is not HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS. She is MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED..
She is not COLD OR FRIGID. She is THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE.
She does not have GREAT CLEAVAGE. She is CENTRALLY LOCATED.
She will never GAIN WEIGHT. She will become A METABOLIC UNDERACHEIVER.
She is not a SCREAMER OR A MOANER. She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She does not WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE UP. She is COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED.
She does not SHAVE HER LEGS. She experiences TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION.
She does not have a HARD BODY. She is ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE.
She does not SUNBATHE. She experiences SOLAR ENHANCEMENT.
Her breasts will never SAG. They will LOOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD.
She does not SHOP TOO MUCH. She is OVERLY SUSCEPTABLE TO MARKETING PLOYS.
She does not CUT YOU OFF. She becomes HORIZONTALLY INACCESSABLE.
She does not have BIG HAIR. She is OVERLY AEROSOLED.
She does not SNORE. She is NASALY REPETITIVE.
She does not GET DRUNK. She is VERBALLY DYSLEXIC.
She does not have BIG HOOTERS. Her CUPS RUNNETH OVER.
She is not TOO SKINNY. She is SKELETALLY PROMINANT.
_________________________________________________________________________
REDNECK ETIQUETTE
=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=
- Redneck Driving Etiquette -
Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles, even if the gun is
loaded and the deer is in sight.
When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest
tires always has the right of way.
Never tow another car using pantyhose and duct tape.
When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is
impolite to ask her to bring back beer.
Never relieve yourself from a moving vehicle, especially when
driving.
Do not remove the seats from the car so that all your kids can fit in.
Do not lay rubber while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Redneck Personal Hygiene -
Unlike clothes and shoes, a toothbrush should never be a
hand-me-down item.
If you have to vacuum the bed, it's time to change the sheets.
While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
Plucking unwanted nose hair is time-consuming work. A cigarette
lighter and a small tolerance for pain can accomplish the same
goal and save hours.
Note: Its a good idea to keep a bucket of water handy when using this
method.
- Redneck Dining Out -
Remember to leave a generous tip for good service. After all, their
mobile
home costs just as much as yours.
- Redneck Entertaining in Your Home -
A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
Do not allow the dog to eat at the table . . . no matter how good his
manners are.
If your dog falls in love with a guest's leg, have the decency to leave
them
alone for a few minutes.
- Redneck Dating (Outside the Family) -
Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
Be aggressive. Let her know you are interested: "I've been wanting
to go out with you since I read that stuff on the men's bathroom
wall two years a go."
If a girl's name does not appear regularly on a bathroom wall, water
tower, or an overpass, odds are good that the date will end in
frustration.
- Redneck Theater Etiquette -
Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven they
can't hear you.
- Redneck Wedding Etiquette -
Livestock is usually a poor choice for a wedding gift.
Its is not okay for the groom to bring a date to a wedding.
When dancing, never remove undergarments, no matter how hot it is.
A bridal veil made of window screen is not only cost effective but
also a proven fly deterrent.
For the groom, at least rent a tux. A leisure suit with a cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a natty appearance. Though
uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.
- Redneck Etiquette for All Occasions -
Never take a beer to a job interview or ask if they press charges.
Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
Always say "Excuse me" after getting sick in someone else's car.
It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it's
considered
tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.
The socially refined never fish coins out of public toilets, especially
if other people are around.
Always provide an alibi to the police for family members.
By: Angela M. Chow
(snortc@juno.com)
If you thought that was funnie, then you should check-out some of
the others. There's no advertisments, and it's totally free. Just write
me. And if you would be so kind, please send this to everyone you can.
The more people I get, the better the jokes will be. Thanx!
My address is: necrite3@juno.com
Necrite-
Was it the sight, smell, or aura of the necrite that killed
so affectively.
_________________________________________________________________________
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in
and informs the dad that his "son" was born without a torso, arms or legs. His
son is just a head! But dad loves his son and raises him as well as he
can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, his son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar and tearfully tells his son how proud he is of him. Dad
orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons
looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy
takes his first sip of alcohol. Swwooop! A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent, then bursts into a whoop of joy! The
father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take another
drink".
The bartender still shakes his head in dismay....
Swwooopp! Two arms pop out! The bar goes wild! The father, crying
and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "take
another drink".
The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting
tipsy and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the
last of it.....swwoooppp! Two legs pop out! The bar is in chaos! The
father thanks God!
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then
to the right....right through the front door, into the street where a
truck runs into him and kills him.
The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender
cleans his glasses and whistles an old Irish tune. The father looks at the
bartender in disbelief and says, "How can you be so cold and callous?"
The bartender says...."That boy should have quit while he was a
head."
_________________________________________________________________________
LEARN TO SPEAK CHINESE
Ai Bang Mai Ne.............. I bumped into the coffee table
Ar U Wun Tu....................A gay liberation greeting
Chin Tu Fat......................You need a face lift
Dum Gai..........................A stupid person
Gun Pao Der...................An ancient Chinese invention
Hu Flung Dung ...............Which one of you fertilized the field?
Hu Yu Hai Ding ..............We have reason to believe you are harboring a
fugitive
Jan Ne Ka Sun ..............A former late night talk show host
Kum Hia .........................Approach me
Lao Ze Sho ....................Gilligan's Island
Lao Zi .............................Not very good
Lin Ching........................An illegal execution
Moon Lan Ding..............A great achievement of the American space program
Ne Ahn............................A lighting fixture used in advertising
signs
Shai Gai..........................A bashful person
Tai Ne Bae Be...............A premature infant
Tai Ne Po Ne ................A small horse
Ten Ding Ba...................Serving drinks to people
Wan Bum Lung..............A person with T.B.
Yu Mai Te Tan................Your vacation in Hawaii agrees with you
Wa Shing Kah...............Cleaning an automobile
Wai So Dim...................Are you trying to save electricity?
Wai U Shao Ting..........There is no reason to raise your voice
Si-Ling Fan...................A device to keep you cool
Sum Dum Fuk...............Irritating drivers
_________________________________________________________________________
Bill, Hillary, and Al were in an airplane that crashed. They're up in
heaven, and God's sitting on the great white throne. God addresses Al
first.
"Al, what do you believe in?"
Al replies, "Well, I believe that the combustion engine is evil and that
we need to save the world from CFCs and that if any more freon is used,
the whole earth will become a greenhouse and we'll all die."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, I can live with that. Come and
sit at my left."
God then addresses Bill. "Bill, what do you believe in?"
Bill replies, "Well, I believe in power to the people. I think people
should be able to make their own choices about things and that no one
should ever be able to tell someone else what to do. I also believe in
feeling people's pain."
God thinks for a second and says "Okay, that sounds good. Come and sit
at my right."
God then address Hillary. "Hillary, what do you believe in?"
"I believe you're in my chair."
________________________________________________________________________
Sister Mary was asking all the Catholic school children in fourth grade
what they wanted to be when they grew up.
Little Jane raised her hand and when asked to answer said, "When I grow
up,
I want to be a prostitute!"
Sister Mary's eyes grew wide and she asked very loud and upset, "What did
you say?!"
"A prostitute!" Little Jane repeated.
Sister Mary breathed a sigh of relief and said, "Thank God! I thought you
said a Protestant"
========
This married man goes to confessional and he tells the priest, "I
had an affair with a woman... almost." The priest says, "what do you
mean almost?" The man says "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together
but then I stopped."
The priest replies, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it
in. You're not to go near that woman again, now say five Hail Marys
and put $50 in the poor box."
The man leaves the confessional, goes over and says his prayers,
then walks over to the poor box. He pauses for a moment and then starts
to leave.
The priest, who was watching him, quickly runs over to him
and says "I saw that, you didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The man replied "Well Father, I rubbed up against it and you said
it was the same as putting it in!"
________________________________________________________________________
A man walks into a bar and quickly realizes it's a gay bar but
says, "What the heck" and sits down at the bar. He asks the
bartender for a beer and he says, "Sure buddy but first you
have to tell me the name of your penis."
The man is perplexed and says he doesn't have a name for it. "No
name, no beer" says the bartender. So the man looks to the guy
on his left and asks, "What is your penis' name?".
"Timex" he says. "It takes a licking and keeps on ticking."
Somewhat uneasy, the man turns to the guy on his right and
asks him the name of his penis. "Ford" he replies with a big
smile. "Have you driven a Ford lately?"
The man is getting very uneasy but really wants a beer so he
tells the bartender, "I named mine Secret, now give me a beer."
With that the bartender pours a beer but is confused by the name
"Secret" so he says, "Secret? I don't get it."
The man replies: "It's strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
_________________________________________________________________________
It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.
He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the
front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.
"Debbie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?," he says.
"Uh, thank you, sir." says Bobby.
Debbie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby
replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop
or a movie.
Debbie's father responds "Why don't you two go out and screw?
I hear all the kids are doing it."
Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby, so he
asks Debbie's Dad to repeat it.
"Yeah," says Debbie's father, "Debbie really likes to screw;
she'll screw all night if we let her!"
Well, Bobby doesn't quite know what to think, but his plan for
the evening is beginning to look pretty good.
A few minutes later, Debbie comes downstairs in her little poodle
skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless
with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.
About 20 minutes later, Debbie rushes back into the house, slams
the door behind her, and screams:
"Dammit Daddy! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!"
_________________________________________________________________________
The Leno Log
"Al Gore is now just an orgasm away from the presidency" (1/21/98).
"I don't want to imply President Clinton is getting a lot of sex on the
side, but today Pamela and Tommy Lee asked to see his movie"
"What's it gonna be like twenty-five years from now, when they're giving
tours of the White House? 'This is the Lincoln Bedroom here, and this is
FDR's study, and this room [is] Clinton's Booty Palace'"
"We shouldn't assume President Clinton is guilty. We all thought Richard
Jewell was guilty, and then we were wrong about him. Can you really
compare Richard Jewell to President Clinton, though? I mean, one's a
big, southern doofus, the other's a wealthy, respected former security
guard"
"Clinton says he wants to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing
but the truth. The problem is, to Clinton, those are three different
things"
"Mike McCurry said today the President denies ever having an affair with
this woman and he is going about his normal daily routine. Denying
having an affair with a woman pretty much is Clinton's normal daily
routine"
"Friends of President Clinton say they have finally decided on a site
for the Clinton presidential library. It's gonna be here in California:
Roy's Adult Book Store in Pacoma"
"The Super Bowl was so exciting. Bill Clinton jumped right up and
knocked the intern off his lap"
"Insiders say the President is saddened and depressed over this scandal.
In fact, he was so down today, he canceled his nooner"
"I don't want to say that President Clinton is in big trouble but today,
his buddy Vernon Jordan was seen sitting in front of the White House in
a white Bronco with a fake beard and $10,000 in cash"
"Do you realize, Roger Clinton is now the one going, 'What my idiot
brother do now?'"
"Remember when Clinton was telling young people they should wait to have
sex? Now we know who he wanted them to wait for: him"
"This was the first State of the Union speech that was simulcast on the
Spice Channel"
"Last year, at the State of the Union, Clinton had to compete with the
O.J. Simpson verdict. Now, he's competing against himself. ... He's
always up against a lying golfer known for attacking women and leaving
DNA behind"
"Today on 'Sesame Street,' they named a new character after President
Clinton: the Nooky Monster"
=========
COMMENTS FROM THOSE CLOSEST TO HIM
The "Oralgate" Scandal
What's wrong with extending my probe? The president did
the same thing.
--Kenneth Starr
The special prosecutor is asking me to give oral testimony
to the entire Grand Jury.
--Monica Lewinsky
Shouldn't the president be held to the same standards as a
TV sportscaster?
--Marv Albert
The president should promise to spend the rest of his life
trying to find the real person who had oral sex with the intern.
--OJ Simpson
If I had to spend all day trying to find jobs for every
bimbo who swore she didn't have sex with the president, I'd never
get any of my own work done.
--Vernon Jordan
The president should take up skiing.
--Al Gore
If you're looking for me this week, I'll be in the bunker.
--Saddam Hussein
Practicing safe sex in the Clinton White House means
making sure the door is locked.
--George Stephanopoulos
In last week's Cabinet meeting, the president asked us to
go out and win one for the zipper.
--Madeliene "Aunt Bea" Albright
=========
_________________________________________________________________________
Nixon & Clinton Compared
Major Scandal during their presidency....
Nixon: Watergate
Clinton: Waterbed
The President's biggest fear....
Nixon: The Cold War
Clinton: The Cold Sore
Complaints toward the President.....
Nixon: Carpet-Bombing
Clinton: Carpet-Burns
Their Vice-Presidents...
Nixon: His was Greek
Clinton: His is a Geek.
Presidential qualities.....
Nixon: Couldn't stop Kissinger.
Clinton: Couldn't stop kissing her.
Things the President couldn't explain....
Nixon: The missing 18-minutes on the tapes
Clinton: The Tripp tapes
Presidential Nicknames....
Nixon: Tricky Dick
Clinton: Slick Willy
and finally, Presidential excuses....
Nixon: I am not a crook
Clinton: I didn't get in her nook
__________________________________________________________________________
Top Ten 'Mike Tyson' List:
No. 10. Tyson already has his next fight lined up, with Lorena
Bobbit, Winner Eats all...
No. 9. This gives new meaning to "box lunch"
No. 8. Reporter: "Evander, what did you think when Tyson bit off your
ear?"...
Holyfield: "What?"
No. 7. Spock-vs-Tyson bout hastily canceled... No. 6. What did Mike
Tyson say to Van Gogh?
"You gonna eat dat?"
No. 5. Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer? It has two
bytes and no memory...
No. 4. Next bout: Tyson vs Hannibal Lecter, with Julia Child to
referee. To be held in Hungary. Billed as, "The snackfest
in Budapest"...
No. 3. How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica? Metallica
leaves a ringing in you ear, Tyson leaves your ear in the
ring...
No. 2. Slogans for Tyson-Holyfield III
a. The Third Gogh Around
b. Dahmer vs. Psalmer
c. The Last Supper
d. Ear-Reconcilable Differences
e. Grazing Bull
f. You wanna a piece of me?
g. Blood Sweat and Ears
h. No Lobe Lost
i. Bite of the Century
j. Because you're dumb enough to pay for it...
And the No. 1 Tyson Joke:
When interviewed after the fight, Tyson's first remarks were
"It tasted like chicken"...
__________________________________________________________________________
The Van Gogh Family Tree
After much careful research, it has been discovered that the artist
Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives.
Among them were:
His obnoxious brother...............................Please Gogh
His dizzy aunt .....................................Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes..........................Gotta Gogh
The constipated uncle ..............................Cant Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store.......Stopn Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia.....................U Gogh
The brother who bleached his clothes white..........Hue Gogh
The cousin from Illinois............................Chica Gogh
His magician uncle..................................Wherediddy Gogh
His Italian uncle...................................Day Gogh
His Mexican cousin..................................Amee Gogh
The Mexican cousin's American half brother..........Grin Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach .................Wellsfar Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt...........................Tan Gogh
A sister who loved disco............................Go Gogh
The bird lover uncle................................Flamin Gogh
His nephew psychoanalyst............................E Gogh
The fruit loving cousin.............................Man Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking................Wayto Gogh
The little bouncy nephew............................Poe Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in a van......Winnie Bay Gog
gggggg
gg ggg
gg gg
gg gg
g gg gg
gg g gg
gg
gg
gg
gg
gg
g gg
ggg gg
g gg
gggg
________________________________________________________________________
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
How do I set my laser printer on stun?
How is it possible to have a civil war?
If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash,
why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and
apes?
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad
girls live.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help
section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they
all still working?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't
going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?
If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?
And whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?
_______________________________________________________________________
The Genealogy of the Schitt family
The Lineage Revealed.
Many people are at a loss for a response when
someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!"
Now, you can handle the situation.
Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.
Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt and the
deeply religious couple produced 6 children: Holie
Schitt, and the twins; Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt, plus
Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt and Bull Schitt, a high
school dropout.
After being married for 15 years Jack and Noe
divorced. Noe later married Mr. Sherlock and
because her kids were living with them, she wanted
to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Dip
Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a cowardly son, Chicken
Schitt. Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout
childhood and consequently, married the Happens brothers in dual
ceremony. The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd and Horse. Bull
Schitt the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently
returned with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
There you have it, when someone says you don't know
Jack Schitt, now you can correct them.
_______________________________________________________________________
A Priest & Nun
A priest and a nun are returning to their church after a long journey
when their car breaks down. They are unable to get repairs completed and it
appears that they will have to spend the night in a hotel. However, the only
hotel nearby has got just one room available. So the priest says to the nun,
"Sister, I don't think the Lord would mind, under the circumstances, if we
spent the night together in this one room. I'll sleep on the sofa and you have
the bed."
The nun says that that is all right with her and so they prepare for
bed and take their agreed positions in the room.
After about ten minutes the nun says to the priest, "Father, I'm
terribly cold."
The priest replies, "Don't worry Sister, I'll get up and get you a
blanket from the cupboard." This he does and then returns to the sofa.
A further ten minutes pass and the nun says to the priest, "Father,
I'm still terribly cold The priest replies, "Don't worry Sister, I'll get you another blanket
from the cupboard." He gets up, gets the nun a blanket and returns to the sofa.
A further ten minutes pass until the nun says to the priest, "Father,
I'm still terribly cold. I don't think the Lord would mind if we act as man and
wife just for this one night."
The priest replies, "You're probably right. Get up and get your own
damn blanket."
+++++++
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last
instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop
of paint of their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two
nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits and paint
in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the
door. "Who is it?", calls one of the nuns. "Blind man", replies a voice
from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and
shrug, and deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into
the room, they open the door. "Nice tits!", says the blind man, "where do you
want these blinds"?
ha ha ha ... +++++++
A nun gets into a cab in New York She demurely says in a small, high,
voice, "Could you please take me to Times Square?"
In a thick Brooklyn accent the cabbie initiates conversation,
"Hey sista, that's kinda a long drive? You mind if we, like, chat?
The nun says, "Why no my son, whatever is on your mind?"
The cabbie, "About dis celibacy thing Are you telling me you never think
about doin' it?
The nun, "Why certainly, my son, the thought has crossed my mind a time
or two I am of weak human flesh you understand"
The cabbie, "Well, woulda ever consider, you know, doin' it?"
The nun, "Well, I suppose under certain conditions, in a very unique
circumstance, I might consider it
The cabbie, "Well what would dose conditions happen to be?"
The nun, "Well, he'd have to be Catholic, unmarried and well, certainly,
he could have no children"
The cabbie, "Well, sista, today is your lucky day I am all three Why do
youse come on up hereI won't even make you really break your vows All
you gotta do is go down on me"
The nun looks aroundthey are awfully far away from where anyone would
recognize herat the next light she gets into the front with the driver
By the next light, the nun is getting back into the rear of the cab, and
the cabbie is smiling from ear to ear
As she settles in, the nun hears the cabbie begin to laugh
The nun inquires, "Why, my son, what is so humorous?"
The cabbie sneers, "Sista, I got ya I'm Protestant, I'm married, and I
got four kids
And from the back of the cab comes the nun's low voiced response,
"Yeah, well my name's Dave and I'm on my way to a costume party"
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1. COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE YOU HUMP
2. BEFORE YOU ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER
3. DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY
4. WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD YOUR SPOUT
5. DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER
6. YOU CANT GO WRONG IF YOU SHIELD YOUR DONG
7. IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.
8. IF YOU THINK SHE'S SPUNKY COVER YOUR MONKEY
9. IF YOU SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE
10. IT WILL BE SWEETER IF YOU WRAP YOUR PETER
11. SHE WONT GET SICK IF YOU WRAP YOUR DICK
12. IF YOU GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT
13. WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS
14. WHEN YOU TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER
MOUSE
15. ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER
16. NEVER, NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED PECKER
17. DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL
18. THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION
19. WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL
20. A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER
21. NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!
_______________________________________________________________________
A guy is having marital problems. He and the wife are not
communicating at all and he's lonesome so he goes to a pet store
thinking a pet might help. The store he happened into specialized in
parrots. As he wanders down the rows of parrots he notices one with no
feet. Surprised, he mutters, "I wonder how he hangs onto the perch?"
The parrot says, "With my dork, you dummy." The guy is startled and
says, "You certainly talk well for a parrot." The parrot says, "Of
course, I'm a very well educated parrot. I can discuss politics,
sports, religion, most any subject you wish." The guy says, "Gee, you
sound like just what I was looking for." The parrot says, "There's not
much of a market for maimed parrots. If you offer the proprietor $20
for me I'll bet he'll sell me."
The guy buys the parrot and for three months things go great.
When he comes home from work the parrot tells him Clinton said this, the
A's won, the Giant's lost, the Pope did so-and-so. One day the guy
comes home from work and the parrot waves a wing at him and says, "Come
in and shut the door." The guy says, "What's up?" The parrot says, "I
don't know how to tell you this, but the mailman came today. Your wife
answered the door in her negligee and he kissed her right on the lips."
The guy says, "Oh, a momentary flight of passion." The parrot says,
"Then he fondled her breasts." The guy says, "He did?" The parrot
says, "Then he pulled her negligee down and started sucking on her
breasts." The guy says, "My God, what happened next?!?" The parrot
says, "I don't know. I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I
have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one
thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have
some fun?' "
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your
problem.
Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put
them with my two male talking parrots who I taught to pray and read the bible. My
parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your
female parrots will learn to praise and worship."
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priests
house. The priest two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their
cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female
parrots say, "Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?"
One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaimes, "Put
the bibles away. Our prayers have been answered!"
There was this fella with a parrot and this parrot swears like a sailor.
He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself.
Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type and the
bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much so the guy grabs the bird by the throat,
shakes him repeatedly and yells, "Quit it!"
But this just makes the bird mad and he swears even more than ever.
Then the guy locks the bird in the kitchen cabinet.
This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches and when the
guy finally lets him out, the bird curses even more than before!
At this point, the guy is so angry that he throws the bird into the
freezer.
For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din.
The bird kicks and claws and thrashes, but then it suddenly gets very
quiet.
At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
may be hurt.
After a couple minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens the
freezer door.
The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says, "I'm
awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my
vocabulary from now on."
The man is astounded.
He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot.
Then the parrot continues saying, "By the way, what did the chicken do?"
An older gentleman was standing at a bus stop, observing a young man
with orange, green, and blue spiked hair. After a few moments, the
young man said, "What's the matter, old man, haven't you ever done
anything wild?"
The old man smiled and said, "Well, yes. I once had sex with a
parrot, and I was wondering if you might be my son . . . "
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{ Go to (better?) jokes 1, 2, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13 }